Me and White Silence

I failed my latest (life) test.

Family. Hubby's daughter and son-in-law. We traveled there to celebrate a grandchild's 14th birthday. (Said grandchild was in her bedroom except for maybe a total of an hour when we were there for two full days, but that's another story.) Daughter had just gotten home from work, and was talking about the Italians. And then the Arabs. And some product that wasn't working was obviously from China.

I.

Said.

Nothing.

She was talking favorably about the Italians.

She was not talking favorable about the Arabs. 

It was one line. 

Nobody (her husband, my husband, and I) said anything.

She moved on to something else.

In the car on the way home, I mentioned how I thought Hubby would be proud of me not saying anything. He was. Because I didn't rock the boat. I didn't stir the pot. I added, "But it's wrong. I've learned about White Silence, and yet I was silent anyway!" 

He countered with "You're not going to change anyone's mind." <-- Exactly what the books say we say, and it's still what I think sometimes.

I explained how by NOT saying anything, it showed I (we!!) agreed. I also said that if either of the kids (16 & 14) were in the room, I'd have felt I HAD to say something. So we continued talking. The great thing about my white husband is that I can talk to him without him judging me. We can talk about things like race and he won't tell me I'm wrong. He hasn't read the books or had the discussions I've had, but he's a good sounding board for me and I don't feel as if he's judging me. 

I told him that a big reason I'm on this journey is because I'm around children all the time, and I want the words to be able to share with children why certain things they say - or the fiction books they read say - are wrong. I want to be a positive influence on their lives. I also want my BIPOC students to feel welcome and included. So maybe I was silent in front of adults, but in front of kids? No. I've learned too much to have let it go if the kids were around. 

His idea for "next time..." If the kids had been in the room, and things had still gone as they did (with no one saying anything), I could've brought it up with the kids later. Not ideal, I know.

I could've asked, "Why do you think your mom said that?" and "How many interactions have YOU had where this has been the case?" and I could've added, "I wonder how that stereotype got started" or "I don't judge an entire race or religion based on one experience. We've got a TON of white people who do the same thing." And we could've talked about any stereotypes white people have about them - or lack thereof - and why that is.

I'm writing this to remind myself for next time... I could've said all those things above to her. Sitting with this angst and writing about it, I know I SHOULD'VE said something.

Thank you to all those authors that are still trying to help white people see where we can improve. Hearing nothing come out of my mouth in this one instance proves that I still have so very much to learn and practice. So now I'm watching this from Clint Smith... again.

July 10, 2024 addition:   I'm watching Robin DiAngelo as part of this 30-Day Challenge. I've read White Fragility, but for some reason have NO NOTES on it! (?!?!) I wanted to take this note from what I heard her say in response to a question posed by the audience at 39:28 - a question along the lines of why would white people want to make a change? Her answer: "Those of us who are sincere about our desire... for justice... there's a cognitive dissonance that we can't live with anymore. Because what we profess to value is not in line with what we're actually practicing."  Another note I wanted to capture: NOT ONE of us was taught to "treat everyone the same." We don't. And we don't even want to, because people have different needs.