Five Small Separations Between Work and Home

Inspired by Jordan Catapano's post - "Seven Small Separations Between Work and Home (and a few ways I break them)," I've decided to share five of my own.

Read home emails ONLY in the morning before school. My sister figured out to text me instead of emailing me.

Read work emails when I get to school, during team time (3rd period this year), during plan time (10th period), and before I go home. I do NOT read work emails at home during the school year.

Keep my phone away until lunch and then put it away again afterwards. 

  
Get as much work done as possible at work. I go in very early in the mornings, as I'm up early and like to drive early so I don't drive alongside rushed drivers. This alleviates stress for me. This may mean staying late one (or two?) day(s) a week to get a few more things completed. I also try my best to give feedback to student writing at school. This is a bit trickier, as I record it. So sometimes during our writing units, I work 1-4 hours on weekend mornings.

When it comes to "extra" work, or "fun" work, or work that seems more like a "hobby," such as social media, blogging, sharing ideas from my books, reading books about education, it gets a bit more tricky for me...

Set a time for these "fun" or "extra" bits of work.
Make a plan to help you decide when it's a good time or not. Here's my thinking process for when I get excited to do this extra work I enjoy:

For example, when it came to writing this post, I knew I could make the time, as Hubby was watching golf, and I was eating lunch (I like to multitask - a whole other habit to evaluate, right?!). I can eat and think while I type, tuning out the television in the next room of our cozy home. I also thought this post might be helpful to other educators (and thus helpful to their families, as well), so I thought it was a valuable use of my time. It took me about a half an hour, and then I had to save it as a draft to head out with my niece and nephew. I came back to it when I had another half hour (golf is on a lot) the next day.

Since COVID messed with our routine in March of 2020, I've noticed I do more with Hubby and family than with work. I put off more "extra" work than I used to, and made a priority to relax and be more in the moment. What's my ONE priority? My health - both mental and physical. Following this routine helps me do just that, which, in turn, helps my home and work life.

Me and White Silence

I failed my latest (life) test.

Family. Hubby's daughter and son-in-law. We traveled there to celebrate a grandchild's 14th birthday. (Said grandchild was in her bedroom except for maybe a total of an hour when we were there for two full days, but that's another story.) Daughter had just gotten home from work, and was talking about the Italians. And then the Arabs. And some product that wasn't working was obviously from China.

I.

Said.

Nothing.

She was talking favorably about the Italians.

She was not talking favorable about the Arabs. 

It was one line. 

Nobody (her husband, my husband, and I) said anything.

She moved on to something else.

In the car on the way home, I mentioned how I thought Hubby would be proud of me not saying anything. He was. Because I didn't rock the boat. I didn't stir the pot. I added, "But it's wrong. I've learned about White Silence, and yet I was silent anyway!" 

He countered with "You're not going to change anyone's mind." <-- Exactly what the books say we say, and it's still what I think sometimes.

I explained how by NOT saying anything, it showed I (we!!) agreed. I also said that if either of the kids (16 & 14) were in the room, I'd have felt I HAD to say something. So we continued talking. The great thing about my white husband is that I can talk to him without him judging me. We can talk about things like race and he won't tell me I'm wrong. He hasn't read the books or had the discussions I've had, but he's a good sounding board for me and I don't feel as if he's judging me. 

I told him that a big reason I'm on this journey is because I'm around children all the time, and I want the words to be able to share with children why certain things they say - or the fiction books they read say - are wrong. I want to be a positive influence on their lives. I also want my BIPOC students to feel welcome and included. So maybe I was silent in front of adults, but in front of kids? No. I've learned too much to have let it go if the kids were around. 

His idea for "next time..." If the kids had been in the room, and things had still gone as they did (with no one saying anything), I could've brought it up with the kids later. Not ideal, I know.

I could've asked, "Why do you think your mom said that?" and "How many interactions have YOU had where this has been the case?" and I could've added, "I wonder how that stereotype got started" or "I don't judge an entire race or religion based on one experience. We've got a TON of white people who do the same thing." And we could've talked about any stereotypes white people have about them - or lack thereof - and why that is.

I'm writing this to remind myself for next time... I could've said all those things above to her. Sitting with this angst and writing about it, I know I SHOULD'VE said something.

Thank you to all those authors that are still trying to help white people see where we can improve. Hearing nothing come out of my mouth in this one instance proves that I still have so very much to learn and practice. So now I'm watching this from Clint Smith... again.

July 10, 2024 addition:   I'm watching Robin DiAngelo as part of this 30-Day Challenge. I've read White Fragility, but for some reason have NO NOTES on it! (?!?!) I wanted to take this note from what I heard her say in response to a question posed by the audience at 39:28 - a question along the lines of why would white people want to make a change? Her answer: "Those of us who are sincere about our desire... for justice... there's a cognitive dissonance that we can't live with anymore. Because what we profess to value is not in line with what we're actually practicing."  Another note I wanted to capture: NOT ONE of us was taught to "treat everyone the same." We don't. And we don't even want to, because people have different needs.

Quest for Perfection

The preface of this latest book of mine was powerful by itself. It summarized some things the authors would get more involved with later in the book, and it reminded me of the last (nonfiction) book I read - Me and White Supremacy by Lalya F. Saad. But it was the first chapter that still has me reeling...

I'll share quotes that made me think... After the quotes is my own thinking. What do they make YOU think?

    Being perfect is the key to your happiness, to your success, to your very existence. p1

    I sometimes think this. I'm always trying to improve. To look better. To show my husband more how I truly love him. To be the best teacher I can be. To workout better. To keep my weight in check. Etc. 

    Your endless quest for perfection is a trap. You will never be pretty enough. You will never be thin enough. You will never be smart enough or successful enough or rich enough. p2

    So true. I already know this. Why do I keep getting upset with myself when I can't be EVERYTHING?

    You always tell on each other. ... In order to maintain your perfection, others must be rendered imperfect... The system of white woman perfection creates intense competition. You're intimately familiar with this, how you stab each other in the back, rip each other apart, all in an attempt to make yourselves whole. p6

    Brutal. Rip each other apart? Stab each other in the back? I try hard not to, yet I know I've done so. I've been reading about stoicism, and "gossip" is the worst. I try now to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say. But I still do this. I didn't think it was to make myself look better, but it sure sounds like it. I talked to a friend about this, and she wondered, "Do other races do this, too?" and the authors didn't share, but they're writing about white women, and I know it's true of me.

Your need to be perfect hurts you. White skin is a necessary but insufficient component of your quest for perfection. Without it, you have no shot. But even with it? You still have no shot. Nobody is perfect. You know this. Yet you keep trying. And failing. You pit yourselves against each other in an unwinnable competition. This is one of many ways white men keep you on your white tippy-toes, working your butts off to outdo each other. There will always be another white woman who is prettier, funnier, richer, smarter, better in bed, better at her job, better at motherhood.

    Your quest to outshine each other has created, for you, the very opposite of a community. p9-10

    Without white skin, I have no shot. That in itself is something "new" to me.

    I KNOW I still have no shot. It's impossible to be perfect. I was wondering why I do try again and again - and I'm starting to see their perspective. I can see how it can be because of the men. The men (not Hubby, of course!) SAY "you're perfect the way you are," but then show us (through all sorts of media, at the very least) how they WANT us to be. I truly think I've found a man who doesn't do this - but doesn't everyone judge? Is everyone - or is it only (white?) women - looking for perfection?

    This part about community - OMG - how can we expect to be better with people that are NOT our race, when we can't even be decent with so many who ARE our race?!?!

    But it isn't as though all the white women within the Greek system [sororities] were being awesome to one another. In fact, I've never in my life seen such sadistic behavior. if you enjoy sex, slut. If you don't hook up enough, prude. Or worse (in their eyes), closeted lesbian. You are always too fat. Or too thin. Maybe even (whisper, whisper), anorexic. Your shoes are too cheap, making you trashy. Your coat is too expensive, making you a rich spoiled brat. Your hair is not blond. Or it is too blond and fake looking. Or it is, God forbid, red! p10

    My first thought - thank goodness I wasn't even interested in sororities. Second thought - because they're always judging others. And I was reminded by my friend that that's what they're all about - you have to be just like them to get in! Sadly, my other thoughts are that even out of the sorority... so many of us judge each other. Too often.

    Your quest for perfection is a prison. p 11

    Because that's what I'm always working towards, and I'll never get it? But then they led into the real reason for this chapter...

    Antiracism work depends on your acknowledging your imperfections, namely how you have been born into and nurtured by a white supremacist society. This means acknowledging that you are not the expert on how it feels to be on the receiving end of racism, which means you do not get to decide what is and is not racist. Just like men do not get to decide what is and is not sexist. It means acknowledging that you will get it wrong, that you will feel embarrassed, and that you will struggle to make progress. In spite of these obstacles and this necessary discomfort, you will have to pick yourself up and get back into the work - work that is messy, not tidy. Work that is tables turned upside down, not neatly set. ... Work that is imperfect. p 13

    Yes. Yes. Yes. So stop stopping yourself, Joy, when you're at work or with family and someone says something that shows their white supremacy upbringing. Say something. It will be uncomfortable. Oh, well. If I stay silent (chapter 3), it makes me complicit. Consider all the BIPOC that are way more "uncomfortable" than me - their lives could depend on us speaking up.

Isn't it more important to eradicate racism than to be liked by everybody? You've never been liked by everybody in the first place! p14

    Hahaha! TRUTH! (Actually, part of my learning so far is that when a person of color says something about race, they are to be BELIEVED. All the time. So when I say "truth" here, I know everyone will agree with this easily. Who, really, is liked by everybody??)

...before we can build a community full of BIPOC, we must build a community of white people. p14

    Thank goodness we had a group of about six of us from my school that read Me and White Supremacy. We've got a tiny white alliance - I hope the work - and the honest, uncomfortable conversations - keep happening.

Are you a white woman working on making this nation a better place for BIPOC? I suggest you pick up White Women: Everything You Already Know about Your Own Racism and How to Do Better and devour it. And then talk about it with other white women. And head to Community.race2dinner.com for the online book club. Thank you Regina Jackson and Saira Rao for making this book available to us. Thank you to Denise Krebs for recommending it to her blog readers.

A Mere Disappointment

...that I'm going to write about today.

I've been in my share of bike accidents.  I've been hit by a car while commuting home, and I've flipped over the handlebars while mountain biking...

In late August, 2022, on a beautiful day just strolling around the neighborhood, I fell off my bike. Hubby and I were on the sidewalk. I was looking down, rolled onto the grass for some reason, then tried to get back on the sidewalk (instead of braking and stepping off). Strong woman I am, I got up, then fainted (into my husband's arms), and after a rest, we walked our bikes home. I had lots of injuries we could see. These are from the next day: 

(Gross pics, I know... but now that I'm documenting it, I feel I can delete them from my phone.)

One injury showed up a week later when I had a stuffy nose... my left side (which still ached and I was still icing) somehow made my right side swell.

Sweet pic, huh? 😳

My right eye swelled up so much, the white was overtaking the blue... At the ER, we found out I had fractured my cheek bone and a nerve was "broken." I blamed the visor that had come off of my helmet when I fell. (Yes - of course I was wearing my helmet!) The ENT doc said there was nothing to be done. I just had to wait to see if it healed.

That same weekend, my partner-in-planning / teacher friend was in the ER - for the pain from her Trigeminal Neuralgia. This pain can be "suicide-inducing" says a website. She didn't come back to school due to the pain until after December 1 - a month and a half after surgery. So although I was going through my own disappointment due to my idiocy after years of bicycling (my pride was hurt because I'd been stupid), I could not complain. I was still at work, icing, hand wounds closing, bruises fading...

I'm writing today because I just finished this book:

 It's really got me thinking of soooo many things. I'll sum them up here.

The first is one of the last things she shared... "Disappointing things were not for the written word, disappointing things were for the stiff upper lip. Tragic things are for the written word, because in tragedy there is catharsis, not slow, incremental, almost invisible progress" (222). And I feel that the three bike accidents I've endured have been pretty traumatic, but this last one is one I had when I was 49... and it's taking me forever to heal. My right hand still doesn't always grip like it could, and the left side of my face still feels like it's coming out of being numbed at the dentist office. On headache days, like one I had when I checked out this book, it grows more pronounced, and I feel as if everyone can see the swelling on that side of my face in my crooked smile - they most likely cannot.

If I look CLOSELY, I can see I only have a slight asymmetry to my face - one side is swelled a teeny bit more, so that it actually looks like a deeper smile on my left side than on my right. My right side goes up more, but my left side looks chubbier, so my wrinkles/laugh lines are more pronounced. I don't have any reason to complain. The odd sensation is mine to live with, and it only bothers me when I've got a headache, or if I yell or sing too loudly. This year my left side - way more than my right - was affected by spring allergies. No biggie. And look at this - I'm writing and writing and writing... about something "disappointing," not tragic. Hmmm.

Other things I'd like to remember from this book:

• We show more emotion on our left side.
• "Portrait painters create life and interest in the face by creating asymmetry, rather than exact symmetry" (105). She explains that humans prefer symmetry, but our expressions tell more emotions in our asymmetry.
• "The nerve grows a millimeter a day" (139). 
• "You can always choose to smile, no matter what. It is always a choice to smile" (164) ~Lama Pema. The author shared this after she shared that many men tell women "smile for me," or "where's your smile?" if they're not smiling. It's like women need to submit to the man and show him she's comfortable with him. Um. No. We don't have to do that. I smile often without being "told" to anyway.
• "...lucky the lines on all our faces. Lucky the laugh lines and the smile lines especially; they signify mobility, duration, and joy" (208). Yes. Yes. Yes. We are so fortunate in so many ways. I'm glad I've got "crow's feet." I'm glad I've experienced so much joy to have these lines on my face. I'm so lucky, and I'm so grateful each day.
• She shares that she's "grown to love the syllables in the word maybe. Maybe healing is not linear. ... Maybe the long haul is longer than anticipated. Maybe a nap is in order. Maybe writing down your story helps. Maybe, outside your immediate field of vision, someone down the block is learning how to stand on one leg again..." (222). 

I'm documenting today, so that when I look back many years from now, I can see how much I've grown in my thoughts, and I can see if there's progress in the sensation in the left side of my face (I was never that fond of in the first place)... Isn't it a shame that our society puts so much emphasis on looks? Who decided certain faces were more "beautiful" than other faces? We perpetuate this in our social media posts, in our words when we compare or describe others. Hearing certain seventh grader boys call a seventh grade girl "ugly" hurts to my core. Those poor girls. They're beautiful - inside and out. Faces and hair... Many people of all ages are so vain due to what our society has deemed "pretty." And I'm not immune.

To those reading this: It doesn't matter what you look like. It matters what you DO. Do beautiful things: Be kind. Say kind things. Help others. Care for yourself. And write about WHATEVER - even mere disappointments.

2023-2024 Digital Scrapbook

Year 29 is finished. I'm still learning.

So... my PD has really gone down... I only presented at the IDEACon in February, and it was because I have a new passion for helping myself (and others) with the stresses that come with teaching these days. I'm also reading - and writing in notebooks - a TON more. That's been very healthy for my mind.

SEPTEMBER

- My principal came into our room to talk to certain students, and the next day, she shared that she had ideas for me. I took her up on her offer to share / help, and it did.

- I heard that "I have to be more like a man, and act like I don't care if students like my rules or not."

- I said "yes" to co-hosting an equity club after school - we named it "Changemakers."

October

- I saw some students at their girls' basketball games after school, and one student at his hockey game. I saw more students at a wrestling meet (not sure if it was in October).

- I said "yes" to hosting Origami Club.

November

- I saw some students at their boys' basketball games after school, and another student at his hockey game.

- The Middle School SBG committee decided we can't implement SBG/Reporting next year. Our teachers aren't ready yet. I'm still glad I'm on this committee - been on since its inception pre-pandemic!

- My district brought in Dr. Sheldon Eakins once more - for ELA teachers.

December

- I kinda/sorta got kicked out of Twitter. It was good for me!!

January

- I was able to attend a wrestling match and a girls' volleyball game after school.

- I hosted a book study for Fewer Things, Better for my district. 

February

- I attended EdCampMadison - and hosted a gratitude session! Also, it was great to see other teachers still so passionate about GeniusHour - I was able to share my bookmarks for the LiveBinder. ;)

- I presented "Shifting Away from Stress" at IDEACon! (I then shared the link with my peers at work...)

April

- I saw two students at their baseball game, and I was able to attend a boys' volleyball game, as well.

- I participated in a book study for Me and White Supremacy for my district. We have committed to keep studying/working. As one of our book study leaders shared, "If we're not doing more work, that means we're okay with how things are currently."

May

- In our last meeting for Standards Based Grading at the middle schools... we were told there would be no more Standards Based Grading committee. :(

- I saw lots of students at a track & field meet.

- I was able to attend graduation again.

- I believe this is the first year of my 29-year career that our last day of school was in MAY! May 31 was our last day this school year.

I'm still learning a TON. I've got lots of ideas for next year (again), and I'm looking forward to one of my longest summers ever to regroup and get refreshed!