Quest for Perfection

The preface of this latest book of mine was powerful by itself. It summarized some things the authors would get more involved with later in the book, and it reminded me of the last (nonfiction) book I read - Me and White Supremacy by Lalya F. Saad. But it was the first chapter that still has me reeling...

I'll share quotes that made me think... After the quotes is my own thinking. What do they make YOU think?

    Being perfect is the key to your happiness, to your success, to your very existence. p1

    I sometimes think this. I'm always trying to improve. To look better. To show my husband more how I truly love him. To be the best teacher I can be. To workout better. To keep my weight in check. Etc. 

    Your endless quest for perfection is a trap. You will never be pretty enough. You will never be thin enough. You will never be smart enough or successful enough or rich enough. p2

    So true. I already know this. Why do I keep getting upset with myself when I can't be EVERYTHING?

    You always tell on each other. ... In order to maintain your perfection, others must be rendered imperfect... The system of white woman perfection creates intense competition. You're intimately familiar with this, how you stab each other in the back, rip each other apart, all in an attempt to make yourselves whole. p6

    Brutal. Rip each other apart? Stab each other in the back? I try hard not to, yet I know I've done so. I've been reading about stoicism, and "gossip" is the worst. I try now to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say. But I still do this. I didn't think it was to make myself look better, but it sure sounds like it. I talked to a friend about this, and she wondered, "Do other races do this, too?" and the authors didn't share, but they're writing about white women, and I know it's true of me.

Your need to be perfect hurts you. White skin is a necessary but insufficient component of your quest for perfection. Without it, you have no shot. But even with it? You still have no shot. Nobody is perfect. You know this. Yet you keep trying. And failing. You pit yourselves against each other in an unwinnable competition. This is one of many ways white men keep you on your white tippy-toes, working your butts off to outdo each other. There will always be another white woman who is prettier, funnier, richer, smarter, better in bed, better at her job, better at motherhood.

    Your quest to outshine each other has created, for you, the very opposite of a community. p9-10

    Without white skin, I have no shot. That in itself is something "new" to me.

    I KNOW I still have no shot. It's impossible to be perfect. I was wondering why I do try again and again - and I'm starting to see their perspective. I can see how it can be because of the men. The men (not Hubby, of course!) SAY "you're perfect the way you are," but then show us (through all sorts of media, at the very least) how they WANT us to be. I truly think I've found a man who doesn't do this - but doesn't everyone judge? Is everyone - or is it only (white?) women - looking for perfection?

    This part about community - OMG - how can we expect to be better with people that are NOT our race, when we can't even be decent with so many who ARE our race?!?!

    But it isn't as though all the white women within the Greek system [sororities] were being awesome to one another. In fact, I've never in my life seen such sadistic behavior. if you enjoy sex, slut. If you don't hook up enough, prude. Or worse (in their eyes), closeted lesbian. You are always too fat. Or too thin. Maybe even (whisper, whisper), anorexic. Your shoes are too cheap, making you trashy. Your coat is too expensive, making you a rich spoiled brat. Your hair is not blond. Or it is too blond and fake looking. Or it is, God forbid, red! p10

    My first thought - thank goodness I wasn't even interested in sororities. Second thought - because they're always judging others. And I was reminded by my friend that that's what they're all about - you have to be just like them to get in! Sadly, my other thoughts are that even out of the sorority... so many of us judge each other. Too often.

    Your quest for perfection is a prison. p 11

    Because that's what I'm always working towards, and I'll never get it? But then they led into the real reason for this chapter...

    Antiracism work depends on your acknowledging your imperfections, namely how you have been born into and nurtured by a white supremacist society. This means acknowledging that you are not the expert on how it feels to be on the receiving end of racism, which means you do not get to decide what is and is not racist. Just like men do not get to decide what is and is not sexist. It means acknowledging that you will get it wrong, that you will feel embarrassed, and that you will struggle to make progress. In spite of these obstacles and this necessary discomfort, you will have to pick yourself up and get back into the work - work that is messy, not tidy. Work that is tables turned upside down, not neatly set. ... Work that is imperfect. p 13

    Yes. Yes. Yes. So stop stopping yourself, Joy, when you're at work or with family and someone says something that shows their white supremacy upbringing. Say something. It will be uncomfortable. Oh, well. If I stay silent (chapter 3), it makes me complicit. Consider all the BIPOC that are way more "uncomfortable" than me - their lives could depend on us speaking up.

Isn't it more important to eradicate racism than to be liked by everybody? You've never been liked by everybody in the first place! p14

    Hahaha! TRUTH! (Actually, part of my learning so far is that when a person of color says something about race, they are to be BELIEVED. All the time. So when I say "truth" here, I know everyone will agree with this easily. Who, really, is liked by everybody??)

...before we can build a community full of BIPOC, we must build a community of white people. p14

    Thank goodness we had a group of about six of us from my school that read Me and White Supremacy. We've got a tiny white alliance - I hope the work - and the honest, uncomfortable conversations - keep happening.

Are you a white woman working on making this nation a better place for BIPOC? I suggest you pick up White Women: Everything You Already Know about Your Own Racism and How to Do Better and devour it. And then talk about it with other white women. And head to Community.race2dinner.com for the online book club. Thank you Regina Jackson and Saira Rao for making this book available to us. Thank you to Denise Krebs for recommending it to her blog readers.