An Angry Christian...

I remember as a kid or a teen, I'd write in my journal when I was angry. As an adult, I did the same thing - until I married the man I'm with now - my soul mate - and now I hardly get angry.

But I'm angry once again, and it's actually with those who voted for the vile man once again, thinking he'd lead this nation as a Christian.

I was raised Catholic. That's one sect of Christianity. I remember lying during my confirmation, however. I just went through the motions, but I didn't believe everything I was supposedly confirming to believe. I still had doubts.

Here are some teachings that got through to me, however... 

They are ways of life a man named Jesus tried to teach people.

Love one another.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Give strangers something to eat or shelter should they need it.

Be meek and humble.

I went online and found a lot more. 

Shouldn't those four alone show people what this man that was voted in is NOT?

Holy Grail of Teaching

Hubby asked me years ago...

          Is there such a thing as the "Holy Grail" of teaching?

I quickly replied a hearty "No." It was a balance of this and that... and a mixture of curriculum and community. Curriculum is always changing, so there's no way to pin it down. Kids are always different, so there's no perfect combination. The culture of the room swings with the times, so there's no one way to teach.

For the last two years, I've been reading - and re-reading - The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday.  I've been taking notes this time around so I can whittle down the lessons to a couple a week and eventually one big lesson per month. And, of course, I've read other books about stoicism and mental health. (Those posts are here.) I continue to grow a bit, fall back a bit, grow a bit more, and fall back a bit less. I'm on a good path right now. I'm working on "sharpening the axe" - making sure my mental health tools are sharpened even on my good days, so the bad days won't impact me as much. Today, right now, I'm steady. I'm in the moment. I'm soaking up life.

Hubby and I reflect a ton on each day that passes. What went well, where we could've done better, what made us laugh or ponder... And this school year I've been able to remember a TON more about each day. I've had more to share when I get home. I believe it's due to me being more present in each moment. I'm trying to speak slower and even move slower, because I realize when I'm going faster is when I mess up, say something that I might regret later, put my foot in my mouth, or step over someone else's thoughts (or even toes). Slowing down has helped me stay in the moment. I'm observing more. This helps me remember more.

Reflecting once again last night, I had an "aha" moment. Maybe there IS a "Holy Grail" of teaching. Maybe it's simply this:

          Be in the moment.

Simply BE. 

Listen. 

Give our attention to the moment, the people in it, and our surroundings.

As my goal is to slow down, I'm using more "wait time" in class. When I do so, when I stop my mouth from saying anything, when I stand or sit still and simply observe, it seems as if things get better. As if they go smoother. 

When someone is blurting out or making odd noises while I try to instruct, I simply stop. I breathe. I look around. I wait. And the distraction ebbs. 

When kids are working all around the room and I feel as if none of them listened to the instructions, I stop. I breathe. I look around. I find those who DID pay attention, and I ask them to help their peers. And more students are able to work.

When I don't know what to say to my friends at lunch after one of them shares something heartbreaking or something that angers me, I stop. I breathe. I look at them. I wait. And either something comes to me or it comes from another friend, and I don't say the wrong thing. I am able to keep giving my full attention. I remember more of what was shared, so I can follow up with it another day.

I'm having a good year. I may have more well-behaved students this year, but I will take some credit because I am often able to slow down and observe situations better than I have in the past.

Classes will never be perfect. There will be students who don't do their work. Students who distract themselves and/or others. Students who are absent often. Students who will never like the content. Students who struggle. Students who are bored because it's too easy. Students who don't like me - for whatever reason. These are all out of my control. I have a lot in my control - my thoughts and my actions. How I'm responding this year is making a big difference for my mental health. If I'm able to make the environment better for my own mental health, I'm thinking it's going to affect my students in a positive way, as well. I'm (quietly) excited to keep trying...

30-Day Challenge from The Antiracist Table

A place/site called the Antiracist Table offers a free 30-Day Challenge. (You can find more in this online binder I curate.) Sadly, I've had it on my list to do since 2020 (or 2021?), and now I'm not sad that I started and completed it this July. (There is a small fee if you want the 26-Day challenge instead - I didn't see the point. I chose July because it was my least busy month this summer.)

I waited so long because I must've been under the assumption that I had to do all the work for each day on that day. Nope. It's self-paced. The days are there to keep you coming back, and there's freedom to do the activities at your own pace.

There are meditations that I sometimes did and sometimes didn't do. And there are journal prompts that I lazily just did in my mind instead of writing them down. Things that I wanted to really stick in my mind I wrote in another journal I have from reading Me and White Supremacy.

Here's a recap, should you be thinking of joining...

Week 1 almost put me off the timeline they set, but I kept at it - probably because I enjoy reading nonfiction. There was a LOT of reading - history! Some I knew, some that was new to me - including a history of lynching (which I didn't know happened well past the end of slavery). A couple of videos were included - including one documentary about the 13th amendment.

Week 2 touched on white fragility and white silence. It also talked about feelings - there were quite a few references to Brené Brown's work.

Week 3 shared some things that people started doing in 2020 to help dismantle racist policies. It was here that I could see this challenge was created in the wake of the murder of George Floyd.

And Week 4 brought it all home... making sure the participants understand what we need to do to continue on our path to become more antiracist.

Boomers Gratitude

At the Schaumburg Boomers baseball game on Friday night, I told my nephew I bet I could get two full pages of things I was grateful for. He asked me if I still blogged, so I thought I'd blog about it today, as writing a gratitude list has a tendency to make me feel better about the world in which we live.

I almost did it...

Writing a gratitude list helps me put things into perspective.

I'll add these two to the list:

     No one choked on any food.

     We could all breathe just fine. 

It's the "little things," eh?

White Culture / Norms

I finished Waking Up White by Debby Irving this summer. When reading about race, I try to read books or articles written by Black authors, but this book was on a list curated from a Black author.

I nodded with a lot of what she was saying, as I'd done or thought the same things. I wanted to write about something I'm going to delve into more, however. The author said there are dominant white culture behaviors that hold racial barriers in place...

• conflict avoidance
• valuing formal education over life experience
• right to comfort / entitlement
• sense of urgency
• competitiveness
• emotional restraint
• judgmental-ness
• either/or thinking
• belief in one right way
• defensiveness
• being status oriented

I embody all of these traits. They're holding back efforts to dismantle racism. It's up to me to consider HOW. It's up to me to consider when I uphold these cultural norms and how those instances may be stopping me (and others?) from keeping the conversations going.

Talking to a friend who is in the middle of her treatment for breast cancer, she doesn't want to ask for help. Isn't that another cultural norm? Yet communities that thrive have people helping each other all the time. When we get to help someone, we feel good. Most (?) people WANT to help. Is it due to the competitiveness listed above or the fact that we're taught we need to be independent that we choose to not ask for help? What about when it comes to issues of race? I want help doing better - I'm not going to ask a person of color because they're already doing the hard work. So what's my next step? Look to their books and the list of books they recommend! Also ask a white friend who's in this with me. Get her (yup - for me it'll be a woman) to recommend her own, and keep the conversations going. Learn together.

Of these traits, one reminds me of "don't rock the boat" or "don't stir the pot." Hubby and I both "upended the cart" when we decided to divorce our spouses (or now-many-years-exes). We were taught to NOT do that, however. Our white culture includes "conflict avoidance" and "emotional restraint." Yet if we did NOT divorce them, we'd be slowly killing ourselves - our hearts, at least. How can this cultural norm hurt progress for racial equality? Hah! That's an easy one! We don't like conflict! So it stops us from having the hard conversations. It stops us because our white culture says we have a "right to comfort / entitlement." This one is probably where so many of us fail time and again. I need to STIR. THAT. POT. I need to settle into my discomfort - especially when things come up in my classroom that should need to be addressed. 

One that the author shared more closely - being status oriented... "We are programmed to run on time. It's a construction that supports a society built upon industry, capitalism and wealth accumulation... It's not the only way. And it's not always the best way in every situation... Slowing down requires intent and effort." How does this apply to race? Instead of just going on with life when something goes wrong (because "it's not a convenient time" or "not with these other people in the room"), I'll stop and analyze it. I'll stop and reflect on what I said or did. I'll stop and have the conversation with someone who was there or someone I can trust to give me constructive feedback or help me reflect deeper. I'll try to keep the people in the room so we can start to make reparations. 

Looking at the rest of these... wow. Changing my thinking requires intent and effort. If you're interested, here's a Google Slides printout of these eleven cultural norms so we can have them handy.

Everyday Gratitude

I started this post in June of 2020 when we weren't doing much of "normal" life.

I saw it in my drafts today, so I added a bit more - without deleting anything.

Before you read mine, please check out Denise Krebs's "Letter about Everyday Beauty," and find out from where she got the idea and what you can do once you write your own. I'll be writing about what I'm thankful for, as I felt the gratitude in Denise's post...

I woke up alive. That's always a good start. Systems check - solid. No aches or pains yet. No sniffling nose or scratchy throat. Looking over, I saw my love looking back at me. "Good morning."
Electricity is still on - thank goodness for the air conditioner. And if the air stops working, Hubby knows how to fix it or where to get a part. His coffee machine turns on and smells good. Laptop is charged, and I don't see any new messages on my phone. Glad there's nothing pressing in my emails.

Breakfast toast is lovely. Dan Active keeps me healthy. Hard boiled egg? Sure! Fill up the water bottle and I'm off for my walk.

Birdsong surrounds me. Leaves blow in the breeze. Others are headed to work, while I escape to the nearby forest preserve. I'm still working on doing one thing at a time, so I'm walking without my audio book. Enhanced birdsong reaches my ears and makes me look around - keeping my head up, I take in a deep breath. Grateful I'm healthy enough to withstand the heat of the day and the miles under my feet. The cicadas now make intermittent (instead of constant) sounds. Are there a few more ripe wild raspberries for me to pick? Enough to make me smile and know I've sure taken advantage of them this summer. I make sure to stop - look around - and take in a deep breath each time I feel my thoughts get swept up in negativity. On my way back home, I may take a photo of a newspaper headline or the creek or something different I see (a slug, dragonfly, flower, kayakers, etc.), so I can show Hubby part of my morning. I may even send a photo to a friend - in order to share some of the beauty.

My resistance bands wait for me when I get back. Trying to keep myself healthy for Hubby and I to enjoy our future, I figure out what day I'm on, and I get started. Now I can learn from the nonfiction audio book in my ear. Drinking water is plentiful and makes the humidity not feel so stifling.

We've got hot water that comes through a showerhead at the swivel of a handle. Amazing. Simply amazing. Since it's muggy this morning, I enjoy a quick shower of lukewarm water instead. We purchased the huge towels last time, so I'm enveloped and then dry in no time. I can wear whatever I'd like, as I won't be going anywhere. So many comfy clothes from which to choose. Short hair is such a treat I give myself, and I'm ready to enjoy the rest of the day. 

Duolingo and Babbel are waiting for me to challenge myself and learn a bit more today. 

Hmmm... what book shall I start with now? Sitting in my favorite chair with my book, I can see when the hummingbird visits and watch the sparrows find bugs in the grass.

Mom's accessible by phone - gotta love the Google Meet app (since she doesn't have an iPhone). Good to see her and Dad still healthy. 

Friends are just a text away.

Snacking on veggies and beef jerky and nuts... knowing the chocolate will be there when I need it. It's always good to get through a meal or snack by chewing a lot so I don't choke. Breathing easily is always a plus.

Being able to take a nap while the television on in the background is a skill (or a blessing?).

Setting time limits on apps - and following them - is something I get to keep working on. Especially TikTok & Instagram - oh, I'm fortunate to find  so many funny people and animals - and then be able to turn them off! The flowers outside depend on me for some water, and my brain is asking for more quiet.

The library is one of my favorite spots (if I can't be outside).

And this... is just the morning.

Five Small Separations Between Work and Home

Inspired by Jordan Catapano's post - "Seven Small Separations Between Work and Home (and a few ways I break them)," I've decided to share five of my own.

Read home emails ONLY in the morning before school. My sister figured out to text me instead of emailing me.

Read work emails when I get to school, during team time (3rd period this year), during plan time (10th period), and before I go home. I do NOT read work emails at home during the school year.

Keep my phone away until lunch and then put it away again afterwards. 

  
Get as much work done as possible at work. I go in very early in the mornings, as I'm up early and like to drive early so I don't drive alongside rushed drivers. This alleviates stress for me. This may mean staying late one (or two?) day(s) a week to get a few more things completed. I also try my best to give feedback to student writing at school. This is a bit trickier, as I record it. So sometimes during our writing units, I work 1-4 hours on weekend mornings.

When it comes to "extra" work, or "fun" work, or work that seems more like a "hobby," such as social media, blogging, sharing ideas from my books, reading books about education, it gets a bit more tricky for me...

Set a time for these "fun" or "extra" bits of work.
Make a plan to help you decide when it's a good time or not. Here's my thinking process for when I get excited to do this extra work I enjoy:

For example, when it came to writing this post, I knew I could make the time, as Hubby was watching golf, and I was eating lunch (I like to multitask - a whole other habit to evaluate, right?!). I can eat and think while I type, tuning out the television in the next room of our cozy home. I also thought this post might be helpful to other educators (and thus helpful to their families, as well), so I thought it was a valuable use of my time. It took me about a half an hour, and then I had to save it as a draft to head out with my niece and nephew. I came back to it when I had another half hour (golf is on a lot) the next day.

Since COVID messed with our routine in March of 2020, I've noticed I do more with Hubby and family than with work. I put off more "extra" work than I used to, and made a priority to relax and be more in the moment. What's my ONE priority? My health - both mental and physical. Following this routine helps me do just that, which, in turn, helps my home and work life.

Me and White Silence

I failed my latest (life) test.

Family. Hubby's daughter and son-in-law. We traveled there to celebrate a grandchild's 14th birthday. (Said grandchild was in her bedroom except for maybe a total of an hour when we were there for two full days, but that's another story.) Daughter had just gotten home from work, and was talking about the Italians. And then the Arabs. And some product that wasn't working was obviously from China.

I.

Said.

Nothing.

She was talking favorably about the Italians.

She was not talking favorable about the Arabs. 

It was one line. 

Nobody (her husband, my husband, and I) said anything.

She moved on to something else.

In the car on the way home, I mentioned how I thought Hubby would be proud of me not saying anything. He was. Because I didn't rock the boat. I didn't stir the pot. I added, "But it's wrong. I've learned about White Silence, and yet I was silent anyway!" 

He countered with "You're not going to change anyone's mind." <-- Exactly what the books say we say, and it's still what I think sometimes.

I explained how by NOT saying anything, it showed I (we!!) agreed. I also said that if either of the kids (16 & 14) were in the room, I'd have felt I HAD to say something. So we continued talking. The great thing about my white husband is that I can talk to him without him judging me. We can talk about things like race and he won't tell me I'm wrong. He hasn't read the books or had the discussions I've had, but he's a good sounding board for me and I don't feel as if he's judging me. 

I told him that a big reason I'm on this journey is because I'm around children all the time, and I want the words to be able to share with children why certain things they say - or the fiction books they read say - are wrong. I want to be a positive influence on their lives. I also want my BIPOC students to feel welcome and included. So maybe I was silent in front of adults, but in front of kids? No. I've learned too much to have let it go if the kids were around. 

His idea for "next time..." If the kids had been in the room, and things had still gone as they did (with no one saying anything), I could've brought it up with the kids later. Not ideal, I know.

I could've asked, "Why do you think your mom said that?" and "How many interactions have YOU had where this has been the case?" and I could've added, "I wonder how that stereotype got started" or "I don't judge an entire race or religion based on one experience. We've got a TON of white people who do the same thing." And we could've talked about any stereotypes white people have about them - or lack thereof - and why that is.

I'm writing this to remind myself for next time... I could've said all those things above to her. Sitting with this angst and writing about it, I know I SHOULD'VE said something.

Thank you to all those authors that are still trying to help white people see where we can improve. Hearing nothing come out of my mouth in this one instance proves that I still have so very much to learn and practice. So now I'm watching this from Clint Smith... again.

July 10, 2024 addition:   I'm watching Robin DiAngelo as part of this 30-Day Challenge. I've read White Fragility, but for some reason have NO NOTES on it! (?!?!) I wanted to take this note from what I heard her say in response to a question posed by the audience at 39:28 - a question along the lines of why would white people want to make a change? Her answer: "Those of us who are sincere about our desire... for justice... there's a cognitive dissonance that we can't live with anymore. Because what we profess to value is not in line with what we're actually practicing."  Another note I wanted to capture: NOT ONE of us was taught to "treat everyone the same." We don't. And we don't even want to, because people have different needs.

Quest for Perfection

The preface of this latest book of mine was powerful by itself. It summarized some things the authors would get more involved with later in the book, and it reminded me of the last (nonfiction) book I read - Me and White Supremacy by Lalya F. Saad. But it was the first chapter that still has me reeling...

I'll share quotes that made me think... After the quotes is my own thinking. What do they make YOU think?

    Being perfect is the key to your happiness, to your success, to your very existence. p1

    I sometimes think this. I'm always trying to improve. To look better. To show my husband more how I truly love him. To be the best teacher I can be. To workout better. To keep my weight in check. Etc. 

    Your endless quest for perfection is a trap. You will never be pretty enough. You will never be thin enough. You will never be smart enough or successful enough or rich enough. p2

    So true. I already know this. Why do I keep getting upset with myself when I can't be EVERYTHING?

    You always tell on each other. ... In order to maintain your perfection, others must be rendered imperfect... The system of white woman perfection creates intense competition. You're intimately familiar with this, how you stab each other in the back, rip each other apart, all in an attempt to make yourselves whole. p6

    Brutal. Rip each other apart? Stab each other in the back? I try hard not to, yet I know I've done so. I've been reading about stoicism, and "gossip" is the worst. I try now to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything nice to say. But I still do this. I didn't think it was to make myself look better, but it sure sounds like it. I talked to a friend about this, and she wondered, "Do other races do this, too?" and the authors didn't share, but they're writing about white women, and I know it's true of me.

Your need to be perfect hurts you. White skin is a necessary but insufficient component of your quest for perfection. Without it, you have no shot. But even with it? You still have no shot. Nobody is perfect. You know this. Yet you keep trying. And failing. You pit yourselves against each other in an unwinnable competition. This is one of many ways white men keep you on your white tippy-toes, working your butts off to outdo each other. There will always be another white woman who is prettier, funnier, richer, smarter, better in bed, better at her job, better at motherhood.

    Your quest to outshine each other has created, for you, the very opposite of a community. p9-10

    Without white skin, I have no shot. That in itself is something "new" to me.

    I KNOW I still have no shot. It's impossible to be perfect. I was wondering why I do try again and again - and I'm starting to see their perspective. I can see how it can be because of the men. The men (not Hubby, of course!) SAY "you're perfect the way you are," but then show us (through all sorts of media, at the very least) how they WANT us to be. I truly think I've found a man who doesn't do this - but doesn't everyone judge? Is everyone - or is it only (white?) women - looking for perfection?

    This part about community - OMG - how can we expect to be better with people that are NOT our race, when we can't even be decent with so many who ARE our race?!?!

    But it isn't as though all the white women within the Greek system [sororities] were being awesome to one another. In fact, I've never in my life seen such sadistic behavior. if you enjoy sex, slut. If you don't hook up enough, prude. Or worse (in their eyes), closeted lesbian. You are always too fat. Or too thin. Maybe even (whisper, whisper), anorexic. Your shoes are too cheap, making you trashy. Your coat is too expensive, making you a rich spoiled brat. Your hair is not blond. Or it is too blond and fake looking. Or it is, God forbid, red! p10

    My first thought - thank goodness I wasn't even interested in sororities. Second thought - because they're always judging others. And I was reminded by my friend that that's what they're all about - you have to be just like them to get in! Sadly, my other thoughts are that even out of the sorority... so many of us judge each other. Too often.

    Your quest for perfection is a prison. p 11

    Because that's what I'm always working towards, and I'll never get it? But then they led into the real reason for this chapter...

    Antiracism work depends on your acknowledging your imperfections, namely how you have been born into and nurtured by a white supremacist society. This means acknowledging that you are not the expert on how it feels to be on the receiving end of racism, which means you do not get to decide what is and is not racist. Just like men do not get to decide what is and is not sexist. It means acknowledging that you will get it wrong, that you will feel embarrassed, and that you will struggle to make progress. In spite of these obstacles and this necessary discomfort, you will have to pick yourself up and get back into the work - work that is messy, not tidy. Work that is tables turned upside down, not neatly set. ... Work that is imperfect. p 13

    Yes. Yes. Yes. So stop stopping yourself, Joy, when you're at work or with family and someone says something that shows their white supremacy upbringing. Say something. It will be uncomfortable. Oh, well. If I stay silent (chapter 3), it makes me complicit. Consider all the BIPOC that are way more "uncomfortable" than me - their lives could depend on us speaking up.

Isn't it more important to eradicate racism than to be liked by everybody? You've never been liked by everybody in the first place! p14

    Hahaha! TRUTH! (Actually, part of my learning so far is that when a person of color says something about race, they are to be BELIEVED. All the time. So when I say "truth" here, I know everyone will agree with this easily. Who, really, is liked by everybody??)

...before we can build a community full of BIPOC, we must build a community of white people. p14

    Thank goodness we had a group of about six of us from my school that read Me and White Supremacy. We've got a tiny white alliance - I hope the work - and the honest, uncomfortable conversations - keep happening.

Are you a white woman working on making this nation a better place for BIPOC? I suggest you pick up White Women: Everything You Already Know about Your Own Racism and How to Do Better and devour it. And then talk about it with other white women. And head to Community.race2dinner.com for the online book club. Thank you Regina Jackson and Saira Rao for making this book available to us. Thank you to Denise Krebs for recommending it to her blog readers.

A Mere Disappointment

...that I'm going to write about today.

I've been in my share of bike accidents.  I've been hit by a car while commuting home, and I've flipped over the handlebars while mountain biking...

In late August, 2022, on a beautiful day just strolling around the neighborhood, I fell off my bike. Hubby and I were on the sidewalk. I was looking down, rolled onto the grass for some reason, then tried to get back on the sidewalk (instead of braking and stepping off). Strong woman I am, I got up, then fainted (into my husband's arms), and after a rest, we walked our bikes home. I had lots of injuries we could see. These are from the next day: 

(Gross pics, I know... but now that I'm documenting it, I feel I can delete them from my phone.)

One injury showed up a week later when I had a stuffy nose... my left side (which still ached and I was still icing) somehow made my right side swell.

Sweet pic, huh? 😳

My right eye swelled up so much, the white was overtaking the blue... At the ER, we found out I had fractured my cheek bone and a nerve was "broken." I blamed the visor that had come off of my helmet when I fell. (Yes - of course I was wearing my helmet!) The ENT doc said there was nothing to be done. I just had to wait to see if it healed.

That same weekend, my partner-in-planning / teacher friend was in the ER - for the pain from her Trigeminal Neuralgia. This pain can be "suicide-inducing" says a website. She didn't come back to school due to the pain until after December 1 - a month and a half after surgery. So although I was going through my own disappointment due to my idiocy after years of bicycling (my pride was hurt because I'd been stupid), I could not complain. I was still at work, icing, hand wounds closing, bruises fading...

I'm writing today because I just finished this book:

 It's really got me thinking of soooo many things. I'll sum them up here.

The first is one of the last things she shared... "Disappointing things were not for the written word, disappointing things were for the stiff upper lip. Tragic things are for the written word, because in tragedy there is catharsis, not slow, incremental, almost invisible progress" (222). And I feel that the three bike accidents I've endured have been pretty traumatic, but this last one is one I had when I was 49... and it's taking me forever to heal. My right hand still doesn't always grip like it could, and the left side of my face still feels like it's coming out of being numbed at the dentist office. On headache days, like one I had when I checked out this book, it grows more pronounced, and I feel as if everyone can see the swelling on that side of my face in my crooked smile - they most likely cannot.

If I look CLOSELY, I can see I only have a slight asymmetry to my face - one side is swelled a teeny bit more, so that it actually looks like a deeper smile on my left side than on my right. My right side goes up more, but my left side looks chubbier, so my wrinkles/laugh lines are more pronounced. I don't have any reason to complain. The odd sensation is mine to live with, and it only bothers me when I've got a headache, or if I yell or sing too loudly. This year my left side - way more than my right - was affected by spring allergies. No biggie. And look at this - I'm writing and writing and writing... about something "disappointing," not tragic. Hmmm.

Other things I'd like to remember from this book:

• We show more emotion on our left side.
• "Portrait painters create life and interest in the face by creating asymmetry, rather than exact symmetry" (105). She explains that humans prefer symmetry, but our expressions tell more emotions in our asymmetry.
• "The nerve grows a millimeter a day" (139). 
• "You can always choose to smile, no matter what. It is always a choice to smile" (164) ~Lama Pema. The author shared this after she shared that many men tell women "smile for me," or "where's your smile?" if they're not smiling. It's like women need to submit to the man and show him she's comfortable with him. Um. No. We don't have to do that. I smile often without being "told" to anyway.
• "...lucky the lines on all our faces. Lucky the laugh lines and the smile lines especially; they signify mobility, duration, and joy" (208). Yes. Yes. Yes. We are so fortunate in so many ways. I'm glad I've got "crow's feet." I'm glad I've experienced so much joy to have these lines on my face. I'm so lucky, and I'm so grateful each day.
• She shares that she's "grown to love the syllables in the word maybe. Maybe healing is not linear. ... Maybe the long haul is longer than anticipated. Maybe a nap is in order. Maybe writing down your story helps. Maybe, outside your immediate field of vision, someone down the block is learning how to stand on one leg again..." (222). 

I'm documenting today, so that when I look back many years from now, I can see how much I've grown in my thoughts, and I can see if there's progress in the sensation in the left side of my face (I was never that fond of in the first place)... Isn't it a shame that our society puts so much emphasis on looks? Who decided certain faces were more "beautiful" than other faces? We perpetuate this in our social media posts, in our words when we compare or describe others. Hearing certain seventh grader boys call a seventh grade girl "ugly" hurts to my core. Those poor girls. They're beautiful - inside and out. Faces and hair... Many people of all ages are so vain due to what our society has deemed "pretty." And I'm not immune.

To those reading this: It doesn't matter what you look like. It matters what you DO. Do beautiful things: Be kind. Say kind things. Help others. Care for yourself. And write about WHATEVER - even mere disappointments.

2023-2024 Digital Scrapbook

Year 29 is finished. I'm still learning.

So... my PD has really gone down... I only presented at the IDEACon in February, and it was because I have a new passion for helping myself (and others) with the stresses that come with teaching these days. I'm also reading - and writing in notebooks - a TON more. That's been very healthy for my mind.

SEPTEMBER

- My principal came into our room to talk to certain students, and the next day, she shared that she had ideas for me. I took her up on her offer to share / help, and it did.

- I heard that "I have to be more like a man, and act like I don't care if students like my rules or not."

- I said "yes" to co-hosting an equity club after school - we named it "Changemakers."

October

- I saw some students at their girls' basketball games after school, and one student at his hockey game. I saw more students at a wrestling meet (not sure if it was in October).

- I said "yes" to hosting Origami Club.

November

- I saw some students at their boys' basketball games after school, and another student at his hockey game.

- The Middle School SBG committee decided we can't implement SBG/Reporting next year. Our teachers aren't ready yet. I'm still glad I'm on this committee - been on since its inception pre-pandemic!

- My district brought in Dr. Sheldon Eakins once more - for ELA teachers.

December

- I kinda/sorta got kicked out of Twitter. It was good for me!!

January

- I was able to attend a wrestling match and a girls' volleyball game after school.

- I hosted a book study for Fewer Things, Better for my district. 

February

- I attended EdCampMadison - and hosted a gratitude session! Also, it was great to see other teachers still so passionate about GeniusHour - I was able to share my bookmarks for the LiveBinder. ;)

- I presented "Shifting Away from Stress" at IDEACon! (I then shared the link with my peers at work...)

April

- I saw two students at their baseball game, and I was able to attend a boys' volleyball game, as well.

- I participated in a book study for Me and White Supremacy for my district. We have committed to keep studying/working. As one of our book study leaders shared, "If we're not doing more work, that means we're okay with how things are currently."

May

- In our last meeting for Standards Based Grading at the middle schools... we were told there would be no more Standards Based Grading committee. :(

- I saw lots of students at a track & field meet.

- I was able to attend graduation again.

- I believe this is the first year of my 29-year career that our last day of school was in MAY! May 31 was our last day this school year.

I'm still learning a TON. I've got lots of ideas for next year (again), and I'm looking forward to one of my longest summers ever to regroup and get refreshed!

Do you still like teaching?

...he asked at graduation night.

I replied quickly. "Yes." And then I didn't know how to follow up. I think I said something along the lines of "there are always a few kids that really make your day difficult. But then you get a 'thank you' letter from another student and you think, I can stay a bit longer."

I don't know why he asked me. Is it because he hasn't seen a tweet from my account since December? Is it because now I present on "Shifting Away from Stress"? It is because my TikToks are about the tough parts of teaching? The question sat with me when I was falling asleep, and it was still there in the morning.

Was I honest with my answer? Yes. There are myriad reasons for me to (still) like teaching. 

• What REALLY makes me still enjoy teaching is thank you letters from students who I didn't get much feedback from during the school year. The quiet students I couldn't read. The ones I didn't have a strong connection with. The children I thought didn't care much for me or the class. To get those letters reaffirms that much of what I'm doing is good. Right. Just. Through all the chaos that happens around them, these students have shared that I'm calm, always smiling, and that I provide a welcoming environment. Of course, these letters are in my scrapbook, and sometimes I take a photo of one to keep near me on difficult days. This one may be hard to read, but it's the most recent that I keep by my desk:
  
• I'm SLOWLY learning that I do not have control over students' actions or words, yet I DO have control of my own. And when students are disrespectful to me or to other students, I can stay calm. I can provide consequences. I can continue the rest of the period ignoring the disrespect while I make connections with students who are respectful that day. I now even share with students that they make their own decisions, and I am not to blame for what they do or say. I can only provide a role model for how to react - or not react. Each year, I improve my own demeanor, and I go home knowing that bad behavior by a student was not my fault. 
• I've been practicing how to take care of myself. I eat healthy, with some chocolate thrown in. I exercise each day. I make time for myself each night - reading and then making slow circles with my head, stretching my neck (where most of my stress lies). Part of taking care of myself is making decisions in class that I would normally leave up to students. It's just this year that I've realized that when I do "take a vote," it's the loud(er), more often disrespectful students who run the show. I'm done with that. I've been making decisions that benefit me, and in turn they probably benefit the respectful students.
• I keep in mind that the children I teach are children. Adolescence is probably the toughest age. It's the age where they're figuring out who they want to be, how they want to act, and what boundaries they want to test. They take a lot of risks, and they worry so much about what others think of them. They want to be liked - some act out to be liked, and some simply hide so no one notices them. What an age. I, myself, hated being 12 and 13. I hope I'm helping some have a pleasant 80 minutes. And if not pleasant, I hope they find I'm a safe person to share troubles or anxieties with.
• The laughter keeps me smiling at work. What other job has so many funny (and sometimes) crazy stories? Even when a student is being immature or receives a consequence for a bad choice, many times I smile when I get home. I know they're testing me and themselves, and I hope they're learning valuable lessons.
• As an ELA teacher, I LOVE sharing great books. Many have lost the love of reading at this age. I love it when just ONE student picks up a book I've shared. And when he or she likes it, too, I glow. I feel I've sparked a love of reading once again. I also love sharing that I've written - and published - two books. The questions they ask when they find out are so fun for me to answer. I love sharing that a total stranger picked my book apart... that I had to read it FIVE times before all the editing was done, and that feedback is so valuable for our writing. When students get my video feedback, I love when they decide to revisit what they've written and revise using my suggestions. They often thank me for taking the time to make the video of me reading their writing. And... when they get a choice in writing and fly with it... I love seeing budding authors excitedly at work and proud of their work.

So... yeah. I enjoy teaching. I will never master it, as students and situations change yearly (daily!), but sometimes the challenge makes me enjoy it, too. I feel as if not many people can do what I do. Sometimes I feel beat down, but I've come back each time now, and I'm stronger than ever. Sure, someone will replace me some day, but right now I'm getting experience that not many other professions can claim to have. It's certainly not for everybody, but I'm making the most of it.

A Slice of from this week...

Just because... some days are harder than others.

Some days I'm not 100%.

Or even 78%.

Some days I submit to the relentless questions and arguing and whining.

And some days I yell.

Some days I want to stomp and hold my own tantrum.

And some days are better.

The sun seems brighter.

Seventh graders seem funnier.

Or helpless.

Some days I can push up to 93%.

And some days I laugh.

Some days I want to repeat once again.

Here's a snippet from this week...

...thanks to the "Spin It to Win It" contest between classes.

My Writing

My blog's name is due to me wanting to share my own learning with others. When I was on Twitter, I would share the link with educators. It got a lot of visits, some comments, some questions, and we kept the conversations going. Sometimes I would write to document what I've learned or to document my thoughts or to document a great or terrible day - mostly about education. "My Own Genius Hour" meant my own learning - about teaching and life - a place to reflect publicly.

I was once again inspired to write by the #SOL - Slice of Life - community when the new year rolled around. I am a huge reader, but I could use the nudge to write. Now that we're more than half-way through May (OMG my MIND this past week!!) March, and many #SOL writers are writing every day for the March challenge, I knew I wouldn't keep up. Many (most?) in this community are retired teachers who've been doing the #SOL on Tuesdays for years. It's not my jam right now.

So instead, I collected photos of what I wanted to write about for Tuesdays. Stories from my time with Duolingo and how it helps me learn and also frustrates me with its challenges/games/XPs... The flowers popping up way too early... State testing and how it absolutely sucks the life out of everyone...

  

My problem today is that those are not authentic writing for me. I don't want to write just because it's Tuesday or just because others are sharing their writing on Tuesdays. I don't want to take on someone else's challenge - I have enough challenges right now at work and at home. 

I want to write when it's important to me. Some days I want to write in my gratitude journal. Some days I want to write to my "inner thoughts" (inspired by the book Tiny Beautiful Things) in my "daily chirp" journal.  Some days I want to write lists. And some days I want to document things here (like this thinking) or share ideas here (for teachers who are still following this blog even if I can't tweet it out anymore). I may even have a student reading these posts, and I'd like that young writer to know I'm human. :)

So today... I suppose I'm writing a goodbye letter of sorts - to the #SOL crew. I won't post it in their comments section, because they've got lots of other great posts they can read through, enjoy, and comment on. This post is to document. This post is for my own reflection. My learning journey - which is what "My Own Genius Hour" means to me.

My learning changes throughout the years, thankfully, so I may come back to that community - or find another one - or maybe even an in-person one once I retire. As long as this blog truly represents me as a person, I'll continue using it as one of my writing avenues.

EduWins - the Small Things

Just some snippets from this past week that made me feel like I am where I belong...

• I was able to fix a student's bracelet (from Bulgaria?) with just a paperclip and patience.
• I stayed calm all week. I may have raised my voice once, but that's it.
• I let go of some control today, and it was okay.
• My middle class tied my last class for the monthly reward... for about 80 minutes.
• I laughed a lot during classes.
• I got some funny looks for my "Fancy Flannel Friday" look, and I felt proud getting out of my box anyway. (Check TikTok for the look - courtesy of @Bengela|Thrift|Style|DIY.)
• One student made the entire class laugh - in a totally appropriate way and at a totally appropriate time - and then he announced, "I just made the whole class laugh." Twice. 😊
• I opened two thoroughly jammed lockers.
• I got to talk about good adult books with a former TA-now-substitute.
• I kept work at work (even if now I've got some essays to grade)...
• One student (whose anger flares at times) liked that I brought my daily Stoic book in to read, and now asks me to read it every day.
• I handled a class disturbance very calmly in the moment, and then followed through right after class with that student. More follow-up to come - with help from the principal - on Monday.
• I started writing my end-of-the-year notes to students. I'm glad I decided to do it again this year (after skipping last year). It makes me think very highly of each student.

Broken Light Fixtures Shine Brighter

I got out of the shower and noticed that the glass in one of our bathroom lights was broken. (I didn't get a photo, but it was jagged and tilted so we threw it out.) I was worried it had happened on its own in the middle of the night while we slept, so I was happy when Hubby said he knocked into it yesterday somehow, but he didn't notice it had broken.

So... we threw out the glass, knowing we'll either find a replacement or replace the entire fixture. No biggie. Just some time and effort. No one is hurt, and the room is a bit brighter.

I thought the light would be blinding without the frosted glass, but it's not. It's really nice, actually. I love a lot of light, and I'm glad we've got this while we search for a new one. I immediately thought... I've got an idea for the #SOL this week, as I've seen this before in my life. The broken light shines brighter...

Just this past week, when I gave my presentation about shifting away from stress, I shared how "broken" I was during pandemic teaching. How I cried every day during school and every night at home through all of September of 2020, and many days and nights following during that horrendous school year. And I shared that I am much stronger now. I feel that, when I'm able to give my full attention to the people I'm around each day like I've been practicing, my "light" is stronger now.

I've jumped on Instagram again recently, and an old Twitter friend from 2014 showed up in my replies. She's been absent from my life for at least eight years. She shared that she'd gotten married and then in 2021 her husband took his life by suicide. I started following her right away, and it looks like now she shares about mental health and strategies to overcome depression. She is no longer quiet and not sharing on Instagram - she's shining brighter. Her light is stronger for all to see.

Nobody's life is perfect. We all have our ups and downs / highs and lows. If we stop during the lows to evaluate what is happening and how we're reacting, we can learn from those challenging times. We can grow from them. A former student of mine, Jake Lavin, shared with our school (years later as he shared about his Happiness Project) an analogy about a grape... 

Imagine you're a grape, growing beautifully on the vine, reaching for the sun, ripening right on time, when someone plucks you and some friends off the vine. You get dropped on the ground. It's darker there, but you've still got some old friends with you - until you get stepped on. Now you're really in the dirt, and you look nothing like your old self. No one will want you now. Your life, as you know it, is over. You are pushed down further the more you get stepped on. Eventually, you're covered with dirt, fall leaves and debris, snow over that, and you're really in a dark, wet, nasty place. You never see the sun anymore. You never feel the wind or the rain. You're there for months, thinking life couldn't get any worse. When suddenly... you begin to sprout new life. You eventually become your own vine, reaching for the sky, emerging out of the dirt, up the trellis, and you grow even more grapes...

He did a much better job of explaining it! 

I'll try ending with a poem, as many #SOL writers have modeled doing so...

A misstep leads to a

Broken frosted pane we take down due to its sharp edges and 

Light beams blast from the 

Fixture upon the wall - no more sheltering of the light that now 

Shines farther than it did before... signaling 

Brighter days are ahead - for me and for those that can be reached by this light.

Interesting... I ended up writing that backwards...

When is a time you've been "broken" and have come back "brighter"?

Head over to Two Writing Teachers for more slice of life stories.

Still Shifting

I haven't presented at an educational conference since 2019. In 2017, I was at the height of my presenting - and I was the spotlight speaker at the conference I'm heading to tomorrow!

So why haven't I presented? It's because I taught 7th graders during the height of the pandemic - many many many teachers (including myself - in bits) were giving tips on "self care" and how to connect with students... and I was still crying every day. Many others - who were NOT teaching classes during the pandemic - had even more to say to "help" educators. I was so utterly frustrated with others trying to tell me what to do. COVID had me contemplating more... and talking and sharing less.

However...

One visitor asked us in an in-school PD session... 

   "What are you doing for yourself DURING the school day?"

I have read many books, tried many ideas, and now I'm ready to share what I do during the school day to alleviate the myriad stressors that are bound to come our way.

Tomorrow! "Shifting Away from Stress"

Renaissance Hotel in Schaumburg, IL in room "Nirvana C" at 9:30am, Tuesday, February 20, 2024.

It's not about getting outside, following your passion(s), getting exercise, eating healthy, drinking more water (and less alcohol)! Those are all things we could be doing outside of the work day. 

What about when you're teaching a class? What about when you're in a meeting with other staff? What about when you need to answer what could become a heated email exchange? I'm ready to share ideas tomorrow. My slideshow is tidbits from books I've read. I hope when I share, the slides all come together nicely. 

My overall message: 

     Be cognizant of what you give your attention to.

         Make an effort to be more in the present moment.

One thing I've done outside of school hours that has helped me become less stressed - I've been basically kicked off Twitter. I can still access it on my phone, but I hate using it that way. I used to access it only via my laptop, and that access is gone. (My explanation is here.) Since I really can't advertise this session much, we'll see who shows! No matter - I'm excited to once again share something I believe can help educators. I love feeling the passion for this session that I used to feel for Genius Hour and Standards Based Grading. I appreciate how life has provided so many opportunities for sharing my passions at different times in my teaching career. I look forward to seeing and learning more from my peeps tomorrow!

Super Bowl Sunday

This Super Bowl Sunday, I just want to document this.

I've saved this tweet for three years now.

In 2016, he played for the San Francisco 49ers. 

He knelt during during the national anthem at the start of games in protest of police brutality and racial inequality in the United States.

I have a hard time believing that he never was allowed back into the NFL. 

Today, we have the 49ers playing - against the Chiefs. There is (another) movement to change the Chiefs' name - and get rid of that "chop."

In 2024, we have NFL players can choose up to seven slogans such as "Choose Love" or "End Racism" for the back of their helmets.

On the field end zones, I've seen "It Takes All of Us" and "End Racism" stenciled in paint.

Mike Tomlin, head coach of the Pittsburg Steelers wears a tee shirt with "Justice Opportunity Freedom Equality."

Yet one man lost his career because he knelt during a song.

And, as a nation, we're still struggling every day with hate.

I choose to vote for those who include everyone.

I choose to share all different perspectives / authors with my 7th graders.

I choose to support those conversations that help me and others learn from each other.

Spin It to Win It Show & Tell

I love getting ideas from teachers on TikTok.

The Spin It to Win It idea is from Monica Genta (@monicagentaed), and I explain it to my students in this video. Monica's podcast is here.

My last class - who has figured out how a few things that helped them win the monthly contest this month - chose "show and tell" for their reward. We dedicated 20 of our 80 minutes to the end of class Friday for this event. I had no idea who would want to show something, and I was pleasantly surprised at how it went!

One of my (mostly) quiet students shared some awards/ribbons for robotics and karate - I could tell he was proud, and many students were impressed.

Three of my social students (sort of) got a routine together, along with snazzy hats and music coming from a stuffed monkey, and then they did a "fit check." EVERY student in class was smiling and/or giggling. How fun, and how great they were able to enjoy the spotlight!

And then... "The beast" showed up... One parent dropped off their son's bearded dragon, Dino, and he stole the show. Luckily for me, the beast doesn't walk fast, has no fur, didn't poop (I hear it's terribly stinky), and was able to be kept in a shoebox until the end of the next period.

If I were able to share students' smiles, I would - I think we all enjoyed those precious 20 minutes. I don't think Dino would mind being in this post, so...

Head over to Two Writing Teachers for more slice of life stories.

Why would I want more stress?

I moved my apps around on my phone on January 1, trying to not play so many pointless games. I'll still do the Wordle and Connections game with my husband every night, and I still do three small exercises on my Elevate app, but the Blockudoku, Fishdom and Puzzledom are largely based on luck of what pieces come up next. I was still playing Nonogram and Sudoku for a bit, but even those became easy for me. So I relocated them all together in one bundle of apps and labeled it "WRITE INSTEAD." And here I am!

Sadly, I'm still looking for a better game. One that helps me learn or helps me become more intelligent somehow. I'm still on TikTok about once a day, and here was an ad for a game that popped up on my feed:

The two pics are the same game. (The videos came one after the other.) As I'm preparing to share "Shifting Away from Stress" at IDEACon in February, I wonder... isn't this game causing more stress? Shouldn't we be "playing" games instead of stressing ourselves out? Why would you want to play something that gives you anxiety? What a terrible advertisement.

So... the apps I used the most this month on my phone are Duolingo, Babbel, Calm, and, of course, TikTok - but I have a time limit on that one. 😉 I have my family and friends, my walks, my books, my journals, and my blog for when I know I need to be off my phone. Here's to more of this in 2024!

Head over to Two Writing Teachers for more slice of life stories.

The Only Thing I Can Control...

I've been reading at least one "self-help" type book a month since the fall of 2020. I've been trying to apply the myriad lessons to my teaching life. I keep thinking I've simplified them, to make them easier to remember, but none have really stuck with me... yet.

This week, this is my focus: 

         I will not let a 12-year-old's words or actions dictate what I say or how I act.

I re-read a blog post from George Couros, and the line that got to me was, "Never let an 8-year-old ruin your day." Yup. And how do they ruin my day? I LET them.

You might think this is common sense. If so, you've probably never taught middle schoolers. If you've taught them, you KNOW how difficult it can be to snap at them, to yell, to grit your teeth and say something that you'll probably regret later. Only to feel like crap afterwards, knowing you weren't your best self. The pot can only hold so much steam before it blows, and 12-year-olds know how to push all your buttons. So this is my goal this week: to not let a 12-year old's words or actions dictate what I say or how I act. The ONLY thing I can control is what I think. (I'm learning this from reading about and trying to practice Stoicism.) The next thing I can (usually) control is how I act.

I still have my "pause button," and I'm going to use it.

Here's a snippet of how I did during one instance in one class yesterday... 

     We'd been reading quietly (a slice of Heaven for me), and one student had been "in the bathroom" for ten minutes. When he returned, he shouted, "Mrs. Kirr! I was walking down the hall and some boy called me Black!" Many of the kids laughed. He loves to get people laughing.

     I closed my eyes. I took a breath. I looked at him. I said quietly, "If you'd like to report this, you may head to the office. If not, you may sit down and read quietly."

     "But Mrs. Kirr! I am NOT Black! I don't like that he called me that!"

     I repeated quietly, "If you'd like to report this, you may head to the office. If not, you may sit down and read quietly."

     I don't know how many times I repeated this. Maybe two more times? When I shifted to go get a yellow sticky note as a warning (before writing this incident in a form we've been using - see this post), he went to sit down. The rest of the kids got back to reading. I felt proud of myself.

And today...

     Once again, we'd been reading quietly (a slice of Heaven for me), and one student was tickling another student. The other student laughed, or I wouldn't have even noticed. I quietly told him to get back to his seat. "But I thought it was free seating today! Why do I have to go back to my seat! I didn't do anything! I'm reading, Mrs. Kirr!" I quietly pointed to his chair. "It's not fair! I wasn't doing anything! Why doesn't anyone else have to move! It's not fair!" I quietly pointed to his chair. 

     When he finally went to his chair, I whispered, "I'll answer your question now that you're here. You were tickling ___ and we're supposed to be reading."

     "I wasn't tickling him! I was getting something off his neck!" he "whispered" back.

     I quietly responded with, "And you were supposed to be reading." And then I walked away with my book. After a few more huffs and puffs, he opened his own book.

I don't like getting riled up by an outright lie or a made-up story.

I know I can't win an argument with a 12-year-old.
I like how I feel when I stay calm and simply repeat myself.

I like how these instances are over fairly quickly, and I feel like they're small but mighty "wins."

I hope this lesson will stick with me.

Head over to Two Writing Teachers for more slice of life stories.