Everyday Gratitude

I started this post in June of 2020 when we weren't doing much of "normal" life.

I saw it in my drafts today, so I added a bit more - without deleting anything.

Before you read mine, please check out Denise Krebs's "Letter about Everyday Beauty," and find out from where she got the idea and what you can do once you write your own. I'll be writing about what I'm thankful for, as I felt the gratitude in Denise's post...

I woke up alive. That's always a good start. Systems check - solid. No aches or pains yet. No sniffling nose or scratchy throat. Looking over, I saw my love looking back at me. "Good morning."
Electricity is still on - thank goodness for the air conditioner. And if the air stops working, Hubby knows how to fix it or where to get a part. His coffee machine turns on and smells good. Laptop is charged, and I don't see any new messages on my phone. Glad there's nothing pressing in my emails.

Breakfast toast is lovely. Dan Active keeps me healthy. Hard boiled egg? Sure! Fill up the water bottle and I'm off for my walk.

Birdsong surrounds me. Leaves blow in the breeze. Others are headed to work, while I escape to the nearby forest preserve. I'm still working on doing one thing at a time, so I'm walking without my audio book. Enhanced birdsong reaches my ears and makes me look around - keeping my head up, I take in a deep breath. Grateful I'm healthy enough to withstand the heat of the day and the miles under my feet. The cicadas now make intermittent (instead of constant) sounds. Are there a few more ripe wild raspberries for me to pick? Enough to make me smile and know I've sure taken advantage of them this summer. I make sure to stop - look around - and take in a deep breath each time I feel my thoughts get swept up in negativity. On my way back home, I may take a photo of a newspaper headline or the creek or something different I see (a slug, dragonfly, flower, kayakers, etc.), so I can show Hubby part of my morning. I may even send a photo to a friend - in order to share some of the beauty.

My resistance bands wait for me when I get back. Trying to keep myself healthy for Hubby and I to enjoy our future, I figure out what day I'm on, and I get started. Now I can learn from the nonfiction audio book in my ear. Drinking water is plentiful and makes the humidity not feel so stifling.

We've got hot water that comes through a showerhead at the swivel of a handle. Amazing. Simply amazing. Since it's muggy this morning, I enjoy a quick shower of lukewarm water instead. We purchased the huge towels last time, so I'm enveloped and then dry in no time. I can wear whatever I'd like, as I won't be going anywhere. So many comfy clothes from which to choose. Short hair is such a treat I give myself, and I'm ready to enjoy the rest of the day. 

Duolingo and Babbel are waiting for me to challenge myself and learn a bit more today. 

Hmmm... what book shall I start with now? Sitting in my favorite chair with my book, I can see when the hummingbird visits and watch the sparrows find bugs in the grass.

Mom's accessible by phone - gotta love the Google Meet app (since she doesn't have an iPhone). Good to see her and Dad still healthy. 

Friends are just a text away.

Snacking on veggies and beef jerky and nuts... knowing the chocolate will be there when I need it. It's always good to get through a meal or snack by chewing a lot so I don't choke. Breathing easily is always a plus.

Being able to take a nap while the television on in the background is a skill (or a blessing?).

Setting time limits on apps - and following them - is something I get to keep working on. Especially TikTok & Instagram - oh, I'm fortunate to find  so many funny people and animals - and then be able to turn them off! The flowers outside depend on me for some water, and my brain is asking for more quiet.

The library is one of my favorite spots (if I can't be outside).

And this... is just the morning.

Mindfulness Work

Two More Books to Share...

If you know me at all, you know I'm reading for my mental health (self-help books and adult fiction and memoirs) as well as for my seventh graders (YA/MG books and nonfiction how-to books). Two books I just finished...

My notes for each --> Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfulness

Awakened: Change Your Mindset to Transform Your Teaching

They helped me get through the last two weeks of April and this first week of May. My #OneWord for 2022 is "present," and Fully Present was an audiobook I received free for educators through Libro.fm. I learned through these two books to not judge myself when it comes to slipping up during mindfulness, so I forgave myself for listening to it while doing the dishes... ;) I did stop to take notes when I found a gem I wanted to keep. From this one, I was reminded of the myriad benefits of doing NOTHING for a few minutes each day. This means stopping to focus on my breathing, so I can be more in the moment, and less in the past or worrying about the future.

As for Awakened,* I re-read sections of this. I read the first 50 pages in on sitting, then thought of it during school/work the next day. When I got home, I read them again. This is not something I usually do. The next night, I read them again and then summarized them in my own words. I decided my notes for this one would be summaries first, and then I'd fill it in with specific quotes I wanted to look back on later. Because I'm so invested in making my mind healthier, I have all of my self-help / optimism / mindfulness / joy book notes printed out and put into a binder. Those I actually read again every so often when I need a boost / reminder. I love seeing repeated ideas throughout the binder. One other book that won't be in the binder that I've been reading daily is The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. It's got a lot of the same ideas about how to be mindful, controlling your own thoughts, and not letting influences (from all over) change who you want to be. 

These two books have solidified a few things for me.

1. It is up to ME how I feel. My thoughts control my feelings. I can take control of my thoughts.
2. Worries, anxieties, fears ... they're all FUTURE based. When I focus on the present, they go away.
3. When I ruminate about the past, I make those thoughts worse and more concrete, making them harder to go away. I need to remind myself that the other person involved is most likely NOT thinking of those moments now and it's only hurting me. It could even be hurting my physical health.
4. Stop and think of each current thought. Does it do you any good? If not, let it go or replace it. Just because it's a thought, doesn't mean it's true, and it doesn't mean it's important right now. Plant the seeds of positive thoughts - you'll reap later what you sow now.
5. It's going to take a lot of time and practice to change your thinking. All our life we're inundated by images and words that influence us. It's time for me to start taking control of what I want influencing me.

I loved being immersed in the language around mindfulness and controlling my own thoughts. Hearing it from one book, reading it in the other, then following up with a quick meditation that helped me to breathe evenly and put me to sleep each night (the Calm app) really helped some of these ideas stick.

Calm App...

    This tool may still be free to educators, I hope. I'm on a streak right now of about two weeks. I've been hearing the same ideas from the two books in the app (words such as "catastrophize" and ideas such as reframing my thoughts). Just last night, after I'd taken some notes about how our thoughts are seeds, I get this one to listen to before bed:

Online Resources...

    UCLA's MARC Site

        It includes a link to their app: UCLA Mindful

     Changing Thoughts with an AI Assistant

        The questions / process:

1. What negative thought are you struggling with right now? (You can choose or type an answer.)
2. What's a recent situation that led to this negative thought?
3. Select the thinking trap. (I really like this one - it shows possible thinking traps, such as "fortune telling," "overgeneralizing," "negative feeling or emotion," and "all-or-nothing thinking," and these change based on what you've put in for your answer. It suggests what it thinks you're doing. The AI here seems to be spot on - at least the two times I tried it.)
4. Reframe your thinking. (First it tells you - based on what you chose as the thinking trap - a tip for how to overcome that thinking trap. Then it gives you space to type in your own reframing thoughts, and it also gives you three options it came up with. You can even click "Show more reframes" !!) Once you choose or write one, it asks you to see if you can make it more positive, realistic, or helpful. I changed one word of mine - "can" to "will" - you can see my final reframe in the photo below.)
5. Evaluate the activity. (You do not need to do this. It's part reflection, part info for the AI, I'll bet. There is another section after that which is an optional survey.)
1. I filled out the survey and was rewarded with a summary (which I didn't know I was going to get - this is much better than the screenshots I took)! Too bad you have to fill out the survey to get it, but maybe you can just click "next" without filling it out...

     Overcoming Negative Thoughts

        The questions they use on this site are simple - so much so that you don't need the site:

1. What negative thought are you struggling with?
2. Where does this negative thought come from?
3. If your friend was dealing with the same negative thought, what would you say to help them feel more hopeful? (I love this question!)
4. What do you need to say or do so you can truly believe the more hopeful thought?

Conclusion

Of course, I've read many more books on optimism and joy and how to be happy during the fall and winter of the 2020-2021 school year. My post from June of 2021 about those books is here. What makes these different? The lessons are finally STICKING. I was in class the other day saying in my head, "Dismiss. Distract..." and then I focused on something else instead of that worrying/annoying/not helpful thought. Maybe they're sticking because I've read so many with the same ideas. I'll take it. And I'll probably keep reading more. What I want to do first, however, is to practice meditating for 5-10 min a day without falling asleep to it... Taking 5-10 min out of my day to let negative thoughts appear and then dismiss them can only be beneficial.

I will keep learning and practicing. With time and effort, I can learn to recognize and manage negative thoughts.

*One thing I have to add about Awakened... Page 1 starts on the left side of the book. This was at first a source of aggravation for me. By the time I finished the book, my mindset had shifted. I now wonder what other books start that way?

20 Reasons Why I'm Staying

...for another six years...

After the last two years of teaching being my most difficult so far (and I'm in Illinois - I can't imagine teachers in some other states!), I've noticed a lot of teachers announcing their resignations or retirements (due to so much I will not attempt to list here - if you're reading this, you most likely know the causes). I'm heading into year 28. I need to stay in teaching because there's really nothing else I can do at this point to receive this salary, and gosh darn it, I've worked hard to get here, and I believe I do a solid job of it. I have pushed myself to find - and list - some other reasons to stay in this profession for a few more years. I'm considering this a working document for myself.

I'm staying... because teachers DO work over the summer, and I've been preparing for this next school year, planning to make it better than the last (as usual).

I'm staying... so I have the funds to donate to those worse off than me, and to those causes I believe are worth it for the children I'm serving.

I'm staying... because I have no hidden agenda and I am confident I am NOT a "Marxist," "groomer," "indoctrinator," or "evil monster," so I need not be afraid of parents (mine and my students') who believe the picture some of the media and politicians paint about educators.

I'm staying... to be the person I want to be - one that tries to teach 12 year olds HOW to think, not WHAT to think.

I'm staying... to share some windows and mirrors through the pages of books.

I'm staying... to keep trying to prove to my students that what they have to say - and write - matters.

I'm staying... to role model how to slow down in order to work on word choice when communicating (esp. listening, speaking and writing).

I'm staying... to share with seventh graders what I'm learning alongside them - and from them.

I'm staying... because seventh graders never fail to make me laugh every day, and I hope I can help them smile each day, as well.

I'm staying... to keep trying to do what I believe is right for children, to try my hardest to be the role model and teacher I needed when I was their age, to show them that people care about them.

I'm staying... because I may be able to affect another teacher in a positive way that will affect their students for the rest of their time as a teacher.

I'm staying... because I feel some of my coworkers benefit from me being in their circle sometimes.

I'm staying... so I can stand up for children and educators who I feel are being mistreated, misrepresented, or misunderstood.

I'm staying... because there's always that one note from a child or a parent that boosts my optimism for another week or so - that one quick smile or laugh or piece of praise or gratitude that I latch onto because it makes me feel as if I'm doing SOMEthing right.

I'm staying... because this is one challenge I feel I can keep improving at. I know I'll never master how to teach, but I have always - and will continue to - plan on improving with each year.

I'm staying... because I still want to be part of the reason why I feel we have a fairly safe school. I want to be the one to make connections with children and help THEM make connections with each other - to help them to reach out to those who are isolated or shunned. And I have to say it - if I were to die at the hands of a former student from our school, at least I have no children of my own at home who would suffer.

I'm staying... because I've learned so much about how to care for my mental and physical health since the 2020-2021 school year, and last year I felt some success being able to leave most work AT work.

I'm staying... because my husband believes I still have so much to do, try, hear, experience... and because he knows I love my students.

I'm staying... because teaching used to be regarded as a very important profession to be in, and I want to make sure my next six years are valuable to the students in my care.

I'm staying... although I may have scars, the last two years didn't break me, and I feel better equipped to take on the next challenges.

2021-2022 Digital Scrapbook

Phew. Year 27 is finished. I hope the kids learned something.

So... this isn't really a list of the PD I've done this year... unless actually working is considered professional development (which it probably should be). There are some PD opportunities I took sprinkled in, but this is a shortened version of what I tried to accomplish this school year. I don't think I was as good of a teacher as I was last year. Last year, I was able to connect with more students individually (was it due to Zoom?), and I sent those kids postcards and letters of encouragement all year. Not this year.  

JULY

- Attended a one-hour session on Evolving Learner: Inquiry-Based Learning

- Completed a @MoocTsl class through MIT - #TSLEquity (My notes are here.)

- Joined the virtual ChangeMaker 2021 EduVirtual Conference: Celebrating Teacher Innovation, Resilience and Compassion in Unprecedented Times

SEPTEMBER

- I tried to keep students three-feet apart. 

- I tried to do attendance correctly. (I only got two emails about it all year!)

- I participated in every Equity Committee meeting at school for the second year in a row.

- I went back to going without points/marks (until the term ends) with my seventh graders.

- I practiced keeping work at work, so I can decompress and process the days at home.

OCTOBER
- I quit trying to keep students three feet apart. This group is handsy. Very handsy.

NOVEMBER
- I was invited to be a contributor to a Twitter EdCamp on #Ungrading - we used Twitter spaces for my first time.

FEBRUARY

- We went to "mask recommended" due to a lawsuit against IL schools. Bad behaviors increased, respect went down, and I considered retiring early once again.

- I presented virtually on Passion Projects / Genius Hour, and was able to attend one day of the IDEA Conference here in Schaumburg, IL.

MARCH

- I took a course through our district, provided by a teacher in the district. It was a book study of A Little Guide for Teachers: Teacher Wellbeing and Self-Care.

- I put hope to the side for a bit, and I learned to be (or try to be) resigned (instead of discouraged) to certain things that are out of my control.

- I began practicing breathing with my students - I logged into the HeadSpace site (which is free for educators). Some students appreciated it, and some made fun of it. At least it helped ME.

JUNE

- June 3rd - our last day of this school year. I survived, and I was fortunate to be able to keep my family safe. Again, I am learning from the scars. I was able to reach a couple of students in a couple of ways, and I practiced how to breathe between stimuli and my reaction. I read a ton of books (catch me on Goodreads), and I spent a ton of time with my husband.

The bits of love from the seventh graders keep me coming back...

Celebrating My Resilience

I've gotten more proof this week that I'm a lifelong learner!

Why struggle through something if I'm not going to learn from it? I'm learning this week that I have a hard time learning a lesson WHILE I'm struggling. When I come up / out from the struggle, however, I do make time to reflect. I reflected Thursday and yesterday, and today I'm in the next phase... PLANNING.

I won't go into details about what was going on with me physically and mentally the first three days of this latest school week. I will share that it was NOT tragic. I was not hospitalized, I was not on medication, and I stuck to water, iced tea, and milk all week. I even got to bed at 8pm each night - and slept well! Compared to my normal "how-I-like-to-function," I was spiraling down. It was a three-day stint that could be due to any number of things. Since I've been working hard at not letting these stints happen, I was stuck in the mire for a bit.

Now that I'm back out (a good cleaning/purging, a change of scenery, surrounded by old friends, good books, etc...), I've decided I need a plan for the next time. What's funny / not-so-funny / eye-opening to me as I write this... I KNOW there will be a next time. This, in itself, is kind of calming for me... knowing that this is how life goes. This is how life is supposed to go - we've got to experience the "down" times in order to truly feel the "up" times.

Courtesy of Pixabay

So... Here's my first attempt at a personalized plan to get through those days (in addition to my "regular" self-care routine, which I'm fairly proud of):

• Don't get on social media 
• Don't read news or news emails
• Only watch "Battle Bots" or "Modern Family" or something else that's FUN on these days
• Read an adult book - fiction or nonfiction
• Buy ribbon and make bookmarks
• Use fun pens to write letters of gratitude or encouragement
• Carve ten minutes for the Calm app
• Stay off the roads (if possible)
• And... of course... my favorite... get out in nature... a ton MORE.

I just finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, as well. A friend and colleague suggested it. WOW. The last line has me really thinking about my next move. Gratitude for all those around me, for sure. Knowing I'll have "occasional flourishes of despair" will help me, as well - because, as I was reminded this morning, I've made it through 100% of my most difficult times (which have been worse than this past week).

And I'm celebrating my resilience today by making a plan for getting back on track a bit sooner next time. (Or at least to prevent me from flying off the track...!) 👍🏻

What is your routine for getting back on track? I'd love for you to comment to help a fellow educator. ;)

AND.... I'm back to failing.

This past week was the first week of our district moving to "Mask Recommended."

Monday was the worst day, with tall, unmasked eighth grade boys yelling to other unmasked eighth grade boys, "Put your mask on! You're killing us! It's like a shooting spree in here! Hahahahaha!" 

Third period that morning, I had a seventh grade boy in my class ask me, "Mrs. Kirr? Can you come here for a minute?" I walk over... "What's going on?" he asks. And I'm prepared with a script that was suggested to educators.

By Friday, the hubbub has died down a bit, and we realized... the disrespect has risen. It's like carte blanche now. It's as if these middle schoolers feel they can do ANYthing. Want some examples? Skip this paragraph if you don't want them. After I set up my boundary of four feet in front - where I feel safe enough to take off my mask to teach a bit better (and clearer, and quieter), and let them know I'd wear my mask when I cross over the line, and asking them to wear a mask if they cross the line... one unmasked student goes and sit at my desk chair while he drinks his water during our four-minute break. He argues - a lot - when I tell him he's got to move. Day two - The gum smacking and candy eating is clear as day now, so the garbage can has been getting a lot of use, and the kids are mad at me. The next day, we're doing grammar - kids come up with simple sentences, and then we label them on a diagram. My back is turned. I hear (very clearly - no mask?), "He spits and she swallows." I turn around calmly, the kids get quiet, and I say, "I am your TEACHER. NOT your friend." No one rats out the culprit. And I'm kind of glad. That would be a touchy email home. I've got one student who either hated me before and I never knew it, or just started this week - decides to not mask, so I can see the face. I ask a question, and all I get is a look or I'm ignored completely. I tried twice one day, then didn't talk to this student the rest of the week - I focused on those that would talk with me instead. (This student has a lot of friends and is making connections with tons of people - I'll try again next week, obviously. I didn't want to keep banging my head on that wall this week.) A physical fight broke out at our school this past week. They're THIRTEEN years old.

I go on Twitter to see if I can learn anything that helps. Instead, I see book banning. I see certain trending items, head to it for a second, and see something totally unrelated - an instruction guide on how to perform oral sex?! Seriously? Ban the tech, parents. Read the books with the kids. I see that Russia is close to invading Ukraine. I see there were fights that broke out at a local high school on Monday - due to masks being optional. In that same thread, I read about kids pulling masks off other kids' faces. I do see a kind tweet from our superintendent. Then I log off.

The kids are not good. Their parents are not good. The educators and administrators are not good. I feel we are all failing right now. And I, personally, was struggling a ton LAST February. 

I'm not quitting my job any time soon. I can't, financially. I do know the latest I'm going to retire, however.

---------------

Articles I've read lately that show a sign of the times:

Masks Were Optional on Monday for Thousands of Students Across the Chicago Area

Are the kids alright? A deep dive into the pandemic's toll on students. 

New critical race theory laws have teachers scared, confused, and self-censoring

What Teachers Have Learned Since the Pandemic Closed Schools

Why Teachers Are Dropping Out - “The pandemic is exacerbating teachers’ feelings of being silenced,” Dunn says. “They feel like they have no voice in what happens in their classrooms and no say over policy implementation, even in a public health crisis.”

And... add attacks on SEL lessons:

Op-Ed: SEL offers academic and emotional gains. Banning it is about politics not education.

Social-Emotional Learning Should Not Be the Next Target in America's Culture Wars

"Every teacher I know feels like they're failing."

This line in an article in the Chicago Sun Times got to me.

So I decided to do something about it. I wanted to change the narrative in my own mind. I decided to look for where I feel I'm doing WELL at school. I suggest you try it next. Here's what I noticed in just one day...

• Each morning, I get a song ready for the start of each class. Students can suggest songs, and if not, I'll share an upbeat song I love. When the song ends (sometimes after the bell), that's when we start class.
• I have a beautiful plant I brought from home. Sometimes students absentmindedly touch the leaves.
• I share what books I've just read, books I'm currently reading, and books I've just finished. Of course kids can read them.
• I walk around the room in the morning, erasing pencil marks on the tables.
• I put notes on the board wishing teams good luck for their games, matches, and activities such as the Spelling Bee.
• I make small cards and hand them out to kids for special reasons (Spelling Bee, taking a big role when we read a script, being vulnerable when sharing writing...)
• In homeroom, we share motivational videos or videos the students want to see.
• My students can hang their work anywhere in the room, as long as it doesn't interfere with our view (of the screen, clock, etc.)
• I greet each student by name at the door each class period.
• The sign outside the room is not about me - it says, "Mrs. J. Kirr's Readers & Writers."
• I try ideas I see on social media. This quarter, I tried "daily dedications." It's still a work in progress.
• I post student writing for other students to read (if they choose) during independent reading time. I also post a way to provide feedback.
• I post quotes I love from books I've loved.
• I have a gazillion books (or so) I've shopped for and scrounged for.
• I have a station where students can use staples, scratch and full paper, colored pencils, crayons, rulers, scissors, post-it notes, erasers, calculators...
• I have a bag of feminine hygiene products the girls know about.
• I get attendance right 99% of our days (after looking at three different tabs on the spreadsheet).
• I check out books from my own library if the students need a book (like recently when our book club books still weren't in).
• I read (and take notes or share summaries of) most of the books the students read for book clubs.
• Let's face it. I read a TON of children's literature... and teaching books, too.
• I have a sign out sheet instead of using passes. How can I not try to trust the students to make decisions on their own? If I notice their name is on the list a ton in one week, we have a discussion.
• I write when the kids are writing.
• I share my writing.
• I do everything I'm asking students to do. I try the writing lessons ahead of time, so I know (and can share) where students might have trouble.
• I take photos of our class and share in monthly email updates home to parents.
• I take the notes I want my students to take.
• I ask a question of the day to get the kids talking. It's a mix of "would you rather," open-ended, and multiple choice questions.
• Our room is open between classes... I love the game my 8/9 block plays ("Tips"?) that gets kids from other classes coming in to play. As soon as the bell rings, my students put the ball away.
• I make ribbon/magnet bookmarks for my students.
• On Mondays, I set up a glasses-cleaning station ("Buena Vista Avenue") in the hallway.
• I practice my Spanish on Duolingo every day (ask me about my streak! I know it will be above the 780 it is today!), so I can (someday) talk in some of my students' first language.
• I give my students pencils when they need one.
• We have a weekly "Thankful Thursday" time where we share our gratitude.
• I tell my students "I love you."
• I try to talk to my students about life outside of school - should they be willing.
• I'm myself around my students. I'm vulnerable. I'm silly. I'm upset. I'm celebrating. I'm ME.
• I smile under the mask.
• I make TikToks and use SnapChat filters. They want me to add a neck tattoo to this one...

I'm a good teacher. So are you.

Documenting the Trauma So I Can Move Forward Once Again

I spent two days with retired teachers (of 20 years!), and they asked questions about last school year. All the angst appeared again. All summer, I've vacillated between wanting to write it all out - to get it out - and never wanting to speak of it again.

This is not a typical post of mine. We went to see family in Michigan, and we talked a TON. It refreshed the idea in my mind that I needed to document more from this past school year, now that I have one week left before the new one begins. I had pushed to the back of my mind some of the things they asked about, and the trauma of it came back again.

Hubby's sister and brother-in-law have been retired for about twenty years now. They didn't even know what a rubric was when I met them twelve years ago, so to try to explain to them about all the crud we went through last year was a hefty task. All summer I've wondered about writing down some snippets. I've decided I should, for a couple of reasons. 1) I feel it needs to be documented, or people may forget. I don't want the past year to be washed away like it was nothing. 2) I think it will help me move forward into this year, knowing all we did last year. Knowing (??) it can't be worse than last year... right?!? 

So... in no particular order, I'm going to put the negatives first and the positives at the end.

Memories I've pushed to the back of my brain:

First week of school (first week of September - latest we've started in years)... All I set up for the year was what was going to be seen behind me in my screen. "I'm here for you," "Black Lives Matter," my LGBTQ ally flag... later I added their photos - on a big house (chart paper) and on an E, L, and A for my three ELA classes. I had a standing desk of sorts, and I played music when they came into the Zoom, greeting each student by name. Once attendance and my "show" were done, I waved like crazy to say goodbye, and ended the Zoom. Cried. Opened another Zoom. We had "typical" days - classes straight through - via Zoom - just like the community wanted. I smiled and sang and was encouraging (according to one student), and I cried each time I ended a Zoom. During team time, at least one of us was crying each day. We couldn't hug each other. We couldn't eat without shields in front of us. On that Friday, at home, I bawled my eyes out and crawled up into a ball, thinking that the past week was worse than my divorce. 

Into the year, kids stopped showing up to Zoom. Others would show up, but not be there when we called on them, or asked for them in the chat. A few would be there, cameras on, nodding at times, and we could see the videos being played on their computer reflected on their faces. Those few didn't answer us when we talked to them either. Two students left the district, even though we'd had myriad meetings as to how we (and parents) could help them succeed better. Rooms were quiet. Hallways were quiet. Teachers were in their rooms putting on shows so we could compete with movies and YouTube and texting. I tried different places in the room, but it always felt wrong. Staying in one place for 80 min at a time really wore on me and my body.

Hybrid came. I had my six feet of space at the front of the room, but who was I kidding? I wasn't moving around the room except to spray the tables at the end of each class. I was tethered to the laptop, as that's where more than half of my students were. I learned how to project the students at home on the screen, spotlight my document camera or a student who was sharing, use my camera for kids at home to see me or to see the kids in the classroom, to show this but not that, to have two screens so I can see the kids at home and what I wanted to share with everyone... I became a master at technology. And I didn't cry when it all quit on me. I just breathed, and restarted, hoping we didn't lose anyone and hoping the kids behaved on Zoom while I was kicked out.

I remember being grilled when one staff member tested positive and was home sick. Why did I feel as if I'd done something wrong? I didn't get sent home to quarantine, because I was scared of getting sick and followed the rules. I went home paranoid, and the next day was grilled by a coworker of mine - Why didn't I tell them she ate lunch with us, too? Blame was prevalent. Blame for miscommunication was the biggest. Communication was the worst it'd ever been in my time teaching. I had a student come to my first class one day, wondering where she sat. I had no clue she'd be coming in, and I had to call the office to be sure she was allowed to be there. Two students came in on the days they weren't supposed to, because their siblings in elementary school were in full time, so why weren't they? Kids were here in the AM, then sent home for whatever reasons in the PM. Attendance was "present," or "here but remote" or "absent," and we never knew who would be in front of us in the room and who would be on the computer, and who would skip a class or two.

It was tough to take mask breaks when we had the kids at home on Zoom, too. One of my classes had kids at home that wanted to be socializing in a breakout room during our mask break, but I never got the timing right, and they'd either be waiting for me or we'd be waiting for them. Of course, there was one who never wanted to come back in the school, so they'd drag their feet (and I had to stand at the door to be sure they got in and the door closed behind us).

I felt like I'd be wasting someone's time every class - either the at-home or in-the-building kids. If I had to explain something to the in-the-building kids, the at-home kids would be bored. After I gave directions, I'd have to adjust them a bit for the at-home kids, so the in-the-building kids would be waiting for me to help them, as they were ready to go. It really was teaching two classes at one time. I feel as if they all wanted (if not needed) my attention, as well.

Kids would use their phones to check the time. All the time. They were truly stuck like glue to them - in their backpacks or in their pockets.

I was more strict than I've ever been. I needed to be - for my own sanity. I didn't like it, but it worked better than not following through, and I was being fair, at least.

New worries / what's happening elsewhere:

Parents attacking staff over mask mandates ("Baffling" is a great word to describe this one.)

Why Does Your Child's Right to Unmask Usurp My Child's Right to a Safe School?

Anti-mask grown-ups obscure every lesson we ought to teach kids about a pandemic...

Texas and Georgia - teachers and students aren't ALLOWED to wear masks?!?!

I'll try to put these aside... Just teach to the best of my ability... Stay out of the drama of the school board meetings... Do what I'm expected to do... Care for the students.

Lovely memories:

My students surprised me with a "thank you" on Zoom on January 13th when we were all remote due to another "outbreak." All but four students were in on the text chain, and of course, I cried. 

When we were all remote, I learned to open breakout rooms for MORE than the number of students in class. That way, when I needed to cry or scream, I could go into my own breakout room (instead of being in the "main" room). Also, I could cry or scream or yell or whooop in the hallways during passing periods, due to no one being in the hall...

I could cry in my room at any time of the day, and no one would know. In a "typical" year, we have a very hard time finding a space all our own for any type of peace. Quiet was the norm this past year. I'm going to want some of that this next school year.

When the kids came to the school in person, I had to stop crying. That was actually helpful. I also learned to enjoy the moments as they came. Just to take my time and soak up all the craziness happening.

On our last fully-remote day, Sam (one of my students) had his dog howling for us once again. I loved seeing the kids so happy with their pets. Sometimes when I read aloud, some would sit there and pet their dogs or cats.

One time in May I opened the wrong Zoom (well, more than one time, but this is one specific story). I was waiting for the two kids at home. The office called and said one of the two were trying to get in. Three min or so into class, one of the two used the Jamboard (we were using Jamboard for our warm up fun questions) to tell me to "open the Zoom, please!" And that's how I knew I had opened the wrong one. Clever kids!

None of the kids ever "forgot" anything at their locker (and were gone for five minutes), because they used backpacks. That was sweet.

I only had to tell two students daily to keep their mask over their nose. Two - out of seventy-something. They knew it was a non-negotiable.

I got some of the sweetest letters at the end of the year. They've got a spot in my scrapbook, of course.

I. Learned. So. Much. Lessons I'm going to take forward into the last years of my teaching. Lessons that will help me enjoy teaching - and my home - even more. Year 27 begins for me tomorrow. Ready or not...

Mental Health Lessons Learned from Books Read During Pandemic Teaching

 ...and in order to keep coming back to them, I'm writing them into one post.

These first three books I read prior to the pandemic. The lessons I remembered from them helped me during the pandemic.

Fewer Things, Better - 1) Check email only at one or two certain times per day. (This did NOT work during remote and hybrid teaching!) This goes for a TON of apps and websites, actually - it helps me be more present in each moment. 2) What do I want my legacy to be? Do that. 3) Who says you have to (insert job here - ex: send home weekly updates to parents)? Many of the rules I follow are my OWN. I probably don't even need to (insert job here - ex: this past school year I sent monthly updates to parents). What pressures have I put on myself that I can make easier for myself? My original reflection is HERE. 

The Zen Teacher - 1) Do one thing for myself every day. 2) Be present in the moments - the still and chaotic moments. 3) Declutter a part of your life - get rid of what you don't need and/or what you're not using. My original reflection is HERE. 

Teaching Well - 1) When we are the most overwhelmed with work is when we NEED to stop and take care of ourselves - put away the work, get some exercise, water and sleep, and experience a bit of your life outside the classroom walls. Psychologist Simone McCreary - "There is plenty of evidence that we do better in our career when we make self-care a priority... Regular physical activity activates our neuroplasticity, which increases our creativity and focus. Exercise rejuvenates our willpower" (16). 2) David Irvine - "Self-care is a responsibility. If we don't take care of ourselves, we eventually won't be able to carry the responsibility of caring for others" (18). There will always be work - the work for teachers does not end. My original reflection is HERE.   Another reflection on these first three books is HERE.

The next few books are in order of when I read them.

The Other Half of Happy by Barcarcel - "...we are all unfinished. And unfinished is fine."

Hearts Unbroken by Smith - "Every breath is a victory."

How to Disappear Completely by Standish - "...the battles we fight always change us. When we are fighting them, all we can see is how they wound us. But they can change us for the better, too."

Essentialism - The word "priority" was intended to be singular. What's my ONE priority? My health - mental and physical. Everything I decide to do (or not do) should be good for my health. My original reflection is HERE. 

The Canyon's Edge by Bowling- "Being alive means / sorrow, joy, pain, love, anger. / Feeling all the things."

Learned Optimism - 1) Being pessimistic can make me physically sick, as it actually lowers my immunity. Therefore, it's unhealthy to use my time ruminating on bad moments or situations. Know that what I'm going through (bad OR good) is temporary. 2) Have hope, and make practicing gratitude a habit. My original reflection is HERE. 

Strange the Dreamer by Taylor - "And that's how you go on. You lay laughter over the dark parts. The more dark parts, the more you have to laugh. With defiance, with abandon, with hysteria, any way you can."

Untamed by Doyle - I've felt this way before, and I'll feel this way again. Notice the feelings, feel them, and then consider, "What do I do next?" Act on it.

The Book of Joy - 1) I can only do so much. Although I can't change the world today, I can make a difference with one, two, or even more students EACH day. 2) Practice gratitude and compassion - I'm excited to find ways for my students to practice compassion, as well. My original reflection is HERE.

Efrén Divided by Cisneros - "Somehow, you just do what needs to be done... whether it's fair to you or not."

What I'll Keep and What I Hope We Toss

I keep feeling the need to document my thoughts about this past year. I feel the need to make it into a HUGE learning opportunity. Sooo, not including things I normally do, such as music and a soft start at the beginning of each class...

Here's what I plan to toss, or things I hope go far, far away...

• changing plans and schedules all year (see timeline in my blog post) ✔
• spraying tables ✔
• cheap toppling tray tables (kids call them ironing boards) ✔
• individual tables facing front in rows
• taking attendance online every class period
• car parades for graduating students (if we're having graduations)
• students at home and in person in each of our classes ✔
• quarantined kids at home on Zoom (although this might be easier than them leaving for two weeks and coming back after having a "remote teacher...")  ✔
• masks 🤞🏻

Here's what I hope to keep, or what I hope stays...

• (Look through my self-help books for notes!!)
• keep my physical and mental health my ONE priority
• be fully present in each moment
• drink a ton of water
• three deep breaths with eyes closed when I'm upset
• do not read work emails outside of work time (except for Sunday around dinner time)
• one intention per week
• listen more than I talk
• routine
• organized plans / easily found
• digital absent folder ✔
• free lunches for students ✔
• virtual staff meetings
• practice gratitude with my students
• postcards sent to students' houses
• small, mobile tables (instead of the big tables they took away)
• no need for lockers - fewer disruptions and clean ups
• me using the washroom during independent reading (if needed)
• velcro dots on carpet
• mood meter and / or Jamboard check in (on Mondays, especially)
• asking students what they feel they need to discuss, then providing the time and space for them to do so (while I facilitate and keep my opinions to myself)
• walks around the building when it's nice - walk and talk?
• big chunks of plan time
• when something bugs me, do not ruminate - act - do something for myself or others
• my shield - to protect against parent ire

What I hope to do that I didn't get to do this year...

• Establish expectations from the start. With the FIVE changes we had this past year, we didn't have time to establish them well.
• Try some sort of genius hour or choice research project.
• Keep a good attitude amongst staff and online (At least I did well in front of the students!)
• Find ways to practice compassion with my students.
• No grade in the grade book until the end of the term. I felt like such a hypocrite this year, even if it was probably easier on me and my students by using grades.

Here are some other posts I'd like to curate here for my own refreshers... what did other educators learn? I'll be adding more as I come across them:

Writing Teacher Melanie Meehan

What teachers have done this past year.

Look at All We've Gained During the Pandemic

5 Things I Liked About Pandemic Education (HS Student)

Why Remote Learning Would Have Been Perfect for Me

2020-2021 Digital Scrapbook

I really didn't think I'd do much professionally this school year... 

          except TEACH MY HEART OUT!

Before I start, I want to make a timeline of what my own personal school year PHYSICALLY looked like...

• Summer had us "all in," until suddenly we were "all remote."
• September 1 - we started all remote. Teachers taught from the school building unless they qualified for accommodations. (September 4 - I cried like I haven't cried since going through my divorce. I thought nothing could be worse than teaching students on a screen.)
• October 19 - my grade (7th) came for hybrid. T/Th were kids with last names A-K. W/F were kids with last names L-Z. Mondays were remote for everyone, and the schedule was different, to allow for teachers to plan for this absolute madness. I found out that there IS something worse than teaching ONLY students on a screen. Kids were sometimes in the building, and sometimes not, and we really had no clue who would be in front of us and who would be at home. Getting attendance  right each period was vital, due to contact tracing, and it took a good five minutes (after spraying tables and getting kids into Zoom)...
• December 2 at the end of the day - teachers at OUR school (just one of two middle and nine elementaries) were sent home due to the IDPH "strongly suggesting" we close the school because of the number of cases we'd had on the second floor.
• December 8 we could teach from the building once again; all students were remote.
• December 15 we were back to hybrid.
• December 18 we were back to remote. (Yes. One day before winter break.)
• January 19 we were back to hybrid. My planning partner/friend started an FML.
• January 21 we were "all in" (with kids still on Zoom). Of course, it happened again. "All in" is at the discretion of parents who chose this option. My NEW planning partner suddenly had to teach remotely. This was the third hardest day of my school year.
• January 26 I wrote a "glimpse in the day of a middle school teacher" to the school board - it was the next hardest day of my school year. Oh, and the sub had a sub. And I was writing sub plans AND going into school. Who knew it could get more difficult?
• April 26th we were "all in" (with kids still on Zoom) EVERY day of the week. No more remote Mondays. No more "all in one place at least once a week." No more 1:1 conversations with kids. No more breakout rooms. No matter what I said, did, who I wrote, who I cried to. If my voice was heard, it was not valued.

JUNE
- Nada. Zip. Zilch.

AUGUST

- Um... all on my own, with tech teachers from my school and other teachers who'd tried it... I learned how to use a second monitor. I remember educators on Twitter saying once you use it, you can't go back, and now I know how that rings true!

SEPTEMBER

- I learned how to use an external camera, a document camera, and Apple AirPlay. I learned how to make magic using my hands and by growing an extra eye somehow to see the kids, the work, the direct messages, the emails, the GChat pop ups, etc.

- I learned how to keep work at work (really for the most part), so I can decompress and process the day at home.

DECEMBER
- #DitchSummit thanks to Matt Miller and sooooo many fabulous educators!

- Ungrading: Why Rating Students Undermines Learning (and What to Do Instead) was published!

JANUARY

- I signed up for the Leading Equity Summit thanks to Sheldon L. Eakins and sooooo many fabulous presenters... but I never made it to the videos on time, due to the insurrection at the Capitol and my need to know what was happening. I made it last year, and I'll make it NEXT YEAR again, for sure.

- Doodle & Chat - 1/30/21 - the theme was "explore."

- Began (and continued until June) #UWIEquity Challenge (weekly)

FEBRUARY

- "The Year of You" one-hour workshop hosted by Jen Vincent / Story Exploratory. I wasn't brave. As soon as she said, "We're going to go into breakout rooms," I bolted. I'd be a terrible remote student.

- EdCamp Madison! One Zoom link for the entire day. Nice to be able to talk with educators going through the same things.

- Began (and still continuing) a @MoocTsl class through MIT - #TSLEquity

APRIL

- EdCamp Elmbrook! Again, nice to have people who understood each other. I hosted a gratitude session for us to write letters or emails.

June

- June 11th - our last day of this school year. I survived, and I was fortunate to be able to keep my family safe. I will learn from the scars. I was able to reach a couple of students in a couple of ways, and I enjoyed just being able to be me with the seventh graders the last few weeks.

- Completed the weekly #UWIEquity Challenge. 

LIFE LESSONS this school year:

• I REALLY learned what I need to do in order to care for myself - mentally and physically. I hope I can call on these skills if/when life ever gets back to some semblance of "normal."
• I learned how to SLOW DOWN.
• I only have students for 80 min/day. I can only do so much. I'll simply try my best.
• I will strive for smiles and conversations every day.

Teagan (student who painted this) said, "That's YOU!" 

The Book of Joy

This book is my latest opportunity to learn about how to have better mental health during this time of teaching in a pandemic.

My personal notes from this book are here.

What are my key take-aways?

Life is full of struggle. Make of it what you can. Do your part. Enjoy the journey by being present in each moment; experience it all fully.

Gratitude & Compassion - these will get you far.

I make a practice of #ThankfulThursdays with my students; I'm going to find a way for us to practice compassion once a week, as well! We need more compassion in this world, and it starts with us.

I'm not giving them my best. Or... I AM giving them my best.

 *Note: This post is simply for my own documentation. It will not inspire readers. 

One of my students, Zoe, asked me what the white cubbies (that are currently on the floor) are used for. I explained that they used to be on the desk, and they used to hold our binders. When students came in the door, they grabbed their binder, then sat down. When they left, they put their binders back in the cubbies. I had just purchased this item from IKEA the February before we went into lockdown last year.

"You had that on you DESK?" Zoe asked.

"Yes. I never sat at my desk. It was the student station." I explained that the desk was for student supplies, such as markers, rubber bands, paperclips, the stapler, the hole puncher, tape, decorations for the room, envelopes, tools, bandages, needle & thread... anything a student or another teacher might need. And students could sit there. I never sat there. I moved around the room. I taught from all over the room.

"Oh," is all she replied, as it seemed to sink in.

The students in front of me - and those on my screen - don't know how I normally teach. They don't know that I hate sitting in a chair all day. They don't know that I used to have 1:1 conversations with my students each day - about their book, about their writing, about their participation, about their behavior, about how proud I am of them, about how I noticed their new shoes, etc. I'm tethered to the laptop. I feel as if I cannot leave my remote students, or I will lose them completely.

I am not the teacher I have been in the past. I'm not giving them my best. Because I cannot. It is physically impossible with the hand we've been given. I have to accept this. Some days I can; some days I'm full of anguish.

This year has been full of realizations. And I've learned so very much.

Just this April, I've realized students have had their earbuds in - during class. One of my students - who is doing fine in class - had to take out an earbud when I walked by and asked a question. I asked, "What are you listening to?" The response? "My music." I kept walking. This is not a fight I'm willing to put my energy into this school year. Students probably spent their remote time listening to their music (and many were playing games, too).

In March, I started seeing students who pulled down their mask to talk. How had I not seen this before? And then, in April, I started seeing the earbuds. How had I not seen this before? This year - I cannot see as well as I could in the past. I cannot hear as well as I could in the past. (The masks - oh, the masks!) Those not teaching don't understand this phenomenon. I do now. I know I've been blind and deaf to so much, because my mind and body can only handle so much. My brain was at capacity. I'm just now starting to be able to see and hear and DO more.

This is temporary. It's not my best teaching by far.  Yet I AM giving them my best - my best for now. Heck, we're in a pandemic. My hands have been tied for so many things. We're feeling the consequences of the rules we've been given. We're feeling the consequences of having to teach two classes each period. We're feeling the consequences of having to do two jobs at once - without any extra plan time or time with our colleagues. No wonder the kids aren't doing THEIR best. 

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week from one worn out teacher who is not feeling appreciated. I keep telling myself - this IS temporary.

How are the optimists doing?

Note: This post starts off on a dour note, but it's my intention to write this to help educators through this year. If you keep reading until the end, you may stand a bit taller in the coming weeks. This post is for US.

I heard from a teacher friend as our week ended that I am "a barometer of the school" of sorts. I took it to mean, "If Joy isn't good, what does that mean for me?" I heard whispers of this in January, as well, from another colleague. It took me about a month to recover from January's events. That's when I took the time to write about how I turned the corner - again. We had another blow to our staff this past month, as we thought we were going to continue with one thing that's been working all year, and it was suddenly pulled out from under our feet. I wonder if those that make the decisions realize that if the staff does not do well, the students feel the effects, if not directly. I wonder if they know that with each new decision, teachers need to switch up so much of what they'd planned on doing. Again. And it's no simple matter. And we worry about ALL of our students. And it changes how we teach, not for the better this year. (And PLEASE stop saying, "Our teachers are so flexible.")

So... educators around me are struggling once again, with the newest demand put upon us before this pandemic school year closes. How do I help colleagues? Some have said that it's not my job, and that's true. When I have a colleague who reaches out and says, "Joy, how are YOU holding up?" I feel I need to tell them what I'm doing to keep one arm out of the swamp that is this school year. And now that I'm documenting it one time, I can refer others to what (sometimes) works for me. At the start of this school year, I read Essentialism by Greg McKeown, and since then, I've had ONE priority: My health (mental and physical). Everything I do this year revolves around this. Taking the time to write, organize, and share this post helps me with my mental health, for sure. I truly hopes it helps readers, as well.

-------------------------

I listen. A few tears may collect for both of us. They need to know it's okay to share and cry.

I'm honest. I share that this year is the toughest one I've ever had, too. That I'm also worried about our kids that are remote (and don't respond to invites to participate, emails, or even me staring into the camera calling their name). That I, too, am not able to do all I want with the in-person students who are constantly seeking our attention. That I, too, cannot control students on their games, when they get closer than the three feet the desks are at, or when they complain about the game I chose. I agree that it feels as if hardly any of my plans go well, and the lessons are not as impactful as in the past. I let them know that I, too, see that some come to school to learn, but many students this year come to school just to be around other kids. And I, too, sometimes just let them ... be. That sometimes our mask breaks are a little over the four-minute passing period time. That when I do just let them BE, some classes can't handle it - they get loud and rowdy and obnoxious and forget we're in a pandemic, and I have to backtrack. That some days I feel that nothing went well, and I failed my students.

I've also shared that I'm stricter in some instances - and I say "no" without explanation sometimes. Sometimes I let students know I'm doing something (like playing this particular song) for ME. Sometimes I sit in the hallway (in the middle of classtime) with an upset student who ends up crying and then regrouping. Sometimes I leave the class reading independently - just so I can run to the restroom. Yup. I'm not doing what I've done in the past. And I let my colleagues know that I believe it's okay. No one knows how to do this job better than us this year. We're doing the best we can with what we have. We need to take care of ourselves before we can care for the myriad students that flow in and out of our door each day.

It took me most of this school year, but I am now resigned to the fact that it's okay for me to not be the teacher I've been working so hard to become. This is due to at least these three reasons: 

1. I'm not the same person I was pre-COVID. I realized last April that I needed to stop worrying about "my kids," because they really are NOT my kids. Some have one parent, some have two, and some even have four. It's the same now. The parent is the first in line to help our students. I only have my students for 80 minutes a day. It's not all on ME. I am NOT the parent. I canNOT do everything.
2. Teachers have been put into circumstances they never imagined would happen. No one could prepare us for this. Changes come quickly, and we're expected to adapt just as quickly. And we step up and try our best. But... we feel it in our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. We feel it's not enough. The fact is, we're giving it ALL we've got. So it has to be enough. 
3. We're not in control of what's been put on us. When it feels as if nothing we do or say matters, we get knocked down. Again. And again. It's like an abusive relationship. And we stay in it, because we still love the children.

So it's okay to be where we are. Dejected. Demoralized. Defeated. Knowing this, I know the small wins are all I'm going to get this school year. Once I realized this fact that it's okay to not be a great teacher, I have noticed small wins each day. Just this Friday, I had at least one (pretty big in my eyes) win in each class! I've looked harder for them, stopped to pause during them, and recognized them for what they are. I then take it a step further and thank that student or share what I noticed with the class. It's a pause in my day that helps me feel my teacher heart beating a bit once again.

I'm also learning - a lot. Learning is one of my passions, whether it be on Duolingo, practicing the banjo, or simply reading nonfiction. This means I'm doing something that makes me feel more fulfilled. The most recent bit of learning I've been doing is from the book Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman. At heart, I'm an optimist. I know this. Yet when I took the test in the book, the results came out as "moderately pessimistic." !! I keep reading, and I see that maybe I picked up this book for a reason. Maybe it's because right now is a "time of crisis." My score on the "hope" portion was solid, however, and the author says that's very important - that means I can learn optimism more readily. Reading further, according to the next step, I may be "moderately depressed." Depression can come and go, so he said if I felt this was wrong, to take it again in two weeks. (Um... maybe not. Two weeks from when I took it would be tomorrow, and tomorrow is our first Monday not being fully remote. It's gonna be one heck of a week.) The major cause of depression --> "the belief that your actions will be futile." This is what educators are believing / feeling.

This learning moves me forward. 

I tried out their theories of thinking... Optimistic educators would think, "This is temporary. Not permanent." (Permanence) "This is only for my job (career/passion!), not my home life." (Pervasiveness) And, "This isn't due to anything I did. It's due to others." (Personalization)  Here are my notes for the book - so far.

When I keep reading, I realize that staying pessimistic can (and probably will) make me physically sick. My immunity would be lower. When I keep thinking about my actions being futile, I go back to thinking of all I'm grateful for. One thing I'm grateful for is being able to see the "wins" in my days in the classroom with the children. As I said, I've come to accept I won't be the teacher I've been striving to be the last 26 years - so I can notice, recognize, and take the moment to pause and appreciate the small wins in each class. This has helped me KNOW that not EVERYTHING I do is futile. No. We matter. We are important to our students. And they, my friend, are why we're in this profession. Even if we think we suck as teachers (and really, I do think that right now), we still have value, and we are still making a difference in one, two, who knows how many students' minds or hearts? In a typical year, we never know who we've impacted, so in that way, this year is no different. We keep loving the students and doing the best with the situation we are in, while knowing there's no crystal ball where we can see how they're going to do in the future. 

I've been rambling a bit. Let me summarize while adding one last thing I'm trying this year:

1. It's okay to feel how we do. It's normal during this time. You are not alone. Come talk to me; I'll listen and empathize with you. I've learned how to not bring your problems home with me (secondary traumatic stress).
2. Do something you love - something that fulfills you - outside of school. Find a passion or hobby or two that you used to do. Something that makes you happy. (Keep your immunity up.)
3. Know that you matter. Every year. Your love for the children is shining through, no matter how strict you are this year, no matter that you're tethered to the laptop and can't see or hear what's going on in front of you... You matter.
4. Set one intention for yourself for the next day, week, or month (if it's working well). Multitasking is too difficult right now. What's ONE thing you can do to help yourself?

And this leads me to what I do every week - #4. I set one intention for myself. It's one thing I keep reminding myself of every time I get frustrated, stop to breathe, want to scream or cry... I didn't write them down, but I do remember thinking and using them, because they worked. Here are some that I've tried:

• Drink water.
• Breathe.
• I am healthy. Those I love are healthy.
• I have a job with insurance.
• I am enough.
• I am fair, and I am kind.
• Use a quiet voice. (That way my students will listen more.)
• Use wait time.
• Stand up straight. (I slouch WAY too much.)
• Don't complain.
• Right here. Right now. Is all that matters.
• What's good about this right now?
• Connect with one student.
• Soak up this moment. Notice all that is around me.
• No social media.
• Stop ruminating. Act. Do something for yourself.
• What am I learning in this moment right now?
• This is temporary. (This is mine for this coming week.)

My birthday was in January (just before my last breakdown), and my sister had heard me say, "I try one new thought a week." She bought these "mindful marks," which are temporary tattoos. I put a new one on my wrist every week. No matter the design, it reminds me of my intention. This coming week, when I look at my wrist, I will think, "This is temporary. This will end some day. See it for what it is."

No one needs to go buy these. I was able to focus on one intention a week before I received them. A ring can work. A bracelet. A Sharpie mark on the skin. A sticky note. A photo in your classroom. Your keys. You get the idea. No student has asked me about the tattoo, but teachers have. When a teacher asks, I can tell them about my intention for the week, and maybe it will help us both.

Now that you've stuck with me until this point, what's ONE thing - just ONE thing you will take away from this post? ONE thing you can bring into your week (or month, if it's working) that will help you continue? We really can only do ONE thing at a time. After I hit "publish" on this post, I'm not going to ruminate on our current situation - because I'm focusing on the fact that it's temporary. I'm going to do what's good for me right NOW, whether that be a shower, a walk, gardening, snuggling, reading, singing at the top of my lungs... And I will do that ONE thing with gusto. I will soak up every moment of it. When I get back into the classroom tomorrow, I'll do ONE thing at a time. And I'll do that one thing as best as I can under the hand we've been dealt.

Two Good Stories from My Week

Story #1

Our last day all remote, April 12, even though our MOU says our district is staying remote on Mondays... I put my laptop on my raised table, as I stand on our remote days. I am able to sing loudly, dance, and be overall more ME on Mondays, so I use the raised table. Even though I remember to plug in the document camera and the dongle to my other screen, I guess I don't plug in the charger. I only realize this when everything turns off in the middle of my sentence. I lose everyone and everything. I swear (no worries - I'm not in front of any 12-13-year-olds at the moment). I plug it in, turn it on, and the new host (we'll call him Harvey) lets me in right away. I turn on the chat and I see a peer (we'll call him Hank) type in "Do the right thing, [Harvey]." Suddenly I start observing what I didn't even think I should be observing - some fear in some children's eyes, some relief, some confusion... and another student unmutes and asks, "Mrs. Kirr, can you put my camera back on? [Harvey] turned it off." I asked the class if there was something they felt they needed to share with me. I asked for direct messages if something needs to be said, and no one said anything. Harvey had already made me the host, and so we proceeded with the lesson. The next day, I was sure to head over to Harvey and Hank and thank them for whatever they prevented. Such maturity. I'm so proud of them.

Story #2

In one class, I have one student (out of two) who is consistently a minute or two (or more) late to the Zoom. The other was on the absent list. I opened the Zoom, put it half-way over the Jamboard warm up projected on the screen, greeted the in-person students, and waited for the tone to signal this student had arrived. The phone rang - it was the office saying that the one student was trying to get on the Zoom link. I told her it's open, so we'll look for them. Then one student told me to look at the Jamboard. Looking up, the entire thing was covered by a large (virtual) sticky note. It said, "We're trying to get into the Zoom!!" I'd done it. 120+ days into the school year, I'd started the wrong Zoom link. What a great way to get your teacher to know something!! Kudos to those two (yup - the one was suddenly not absent) for their quick thinking!

I love these stories. I had to document them, while still hoping we don't have Zoom open next year.